: Five things Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect would quarrel about in the messy, half-civilized, and inevitable divorce.
1. Who will take care of the kids! Arthur reminds Ford that they don't *have* any kids, but Ford feels this is entirely beside the point.
2. Arthur's recently updated profile in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
3. Whether or not British beer is better than the purple stuff they serve at that great strip-club on Talosi Prime to which, as it turns out, Ford didn't invite Arthur and, furthermore, had told Arthur that he was only going planetside to visit his great great Aunt two and a half times removed and that it'd probably be better if Arthur waited on the ship as she was prone to outbreaks of Toxiskunkus Pustules, a rare fungal infection known to kill the non-affected at sixty paces when their nose tries to escape through their left ear.
4. The probability that the other one will ever have sex with anything again. After three days of this, Trillian asks the computer to give them a definitive answer, if it would please, and Arthur and Ford spend the next while in their room feeling sorry for themselves and *definitely* not going near Marvin *or* Zaphod *ever*.
5. Whose underpants are those, and which one of them is more likely to know someone with five legs and a penchant for orange and green sequins.
(Argument halted when Arthur opens the attached card and reads that they're from somebody's grandmother, who knitted them herself.)
(Argument restarted when Ford remembers that, by highly disturbing coincidence, "grandmother" is "Your lover with the very fine secondary sexual characteristics" in Okarian, a language where "knitting" happens to mean "Remember when I shoved that organ/sex toy/trampoline into your [orifice of choice] and you really liked it?")
(Argument halted again when Zaphod wanders in, says "Hey! So that's where those are," grabs them from Ford and leaves.)