odditycollector (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
odditycollector) wrote2005-07-20 11:12 pm
odditycollector) wrote2005-07-20 11:12 pm
Third time's the... crack.
And now today’s scheduled silly thing, which I’ve tentatively titled What I did on my Vacation, by Veronica Ferris, age 23.
“Sorry Brendi, where was I? Right. So it’s our last night in Gotham and-
“Because I went to Hawaii last year and New York is just a dirtier Metropolis with less beefcake walking around in spandex, that’s why.
“Anyway. We decide to see some of the city nightlife before we go. I was with my new boyfriend – you remember Michael? Yep, that’s him. With the hair – so it’s not like I should have been in any sort of danger. We’re heading down this filthy little alley on the way to a nightclub I read about on a forum-
“Yeah, and cable porn, too. And one of the bellhops got decapitated on the second night we were there.
“Who cares? The story I’m telling is better.
“Well, like you know. You haven’t heard it yet.
“So, we’re like two minutes from the club, and these three guys get in our way. And I’m like, Hello? Walking here! But it’s not like they hadn’t noticed because they’re all, Give us your money, Bitches.
“Michael tosses over his wallet but-
“Well, if a girl is going to go for sensitive guys, she has to be prepared for the fact that they’re all pussies.
“Sure they are. At least Michael has a cute butt.
“Anyway, I’m digging through my purse, trying to find some denominations, when the street light goes out. And the freaks mugging us? They start freaking out. I mean, they’re totally losing their shit here, and it’s not like they had their shit together to begin with. Can we say ‘C-R-A-C-K’?
“One of them actually takes off, and the other two are screaming at me to hand over my money. But it’s not like I didn’t get the memo – it’s just too dark to see what I’m doing. Michael yells at me to give them the whole purse, and okay, maybe he has a point. But I spent two months trying to find a bag that matches my shoes-
“Oh, those shiny black ones with the faux-glass heel. Yeah, for my birthday.
“Now, I’m fumbling in my purse, and one of the idiots screaming at me just vanishes. In his place is this dark figure of a-
“Okay, fine. Yes, it’s the Batman. I swear, Brendi, you have no sense of proper drama.
“Anyway. People say he’s nine feet tall with fangs and an army of underage boys in lingerie, but he couldn’t have been more than seven foot ten. Eight feet, tops. And of course Michael’s screaming too-
“Yes, we’re already established that he’s a pussy.
“Then the last criminal pulls out a gun and waves it at Batman, and Batman gives him a look like, Bitch? Please. And then he moves.
“Well, I don’t know what happened next. I was too busy running away, wasn’t I?
“So we decide to skip the clubbing after all, and go back to the hotel. But we’re both too upped to sleep, so there’s nothing for it but wild monkey sex until we have to leave for the airport-
“Sensitive guys, Bren. I have been telling you for years.
“But anyway, this conversation has been all about me, hasn’t it? What’s been happening with you?
“The giant monkey again? Huh. Anything interesting?”
“Sorry Brendi, where was I? Right. So it’s our last night in Gotham and-
“Because I went to Hawaii last year and New York is just a dirtier Metropolis with less beefcake walking around in spandex, that’s why.
“Anyway. We decide to see some of the city nightlife before we go. I was with my new boyfriend – you remember Michael? Yep, that’s him. With the hair – so it’s not like I should have been in any sort of danger. We’re heading down this filthy little alley on the way to a nightclub I read about on a forum-
“Yeah, and cable porn, too. And one of the bellhops got decapitated on the second night we were there.
“Who cares? The story I’m telling is better.
“Well, like you know. You haven’t heard it yet.
“So, we’re like two minutes from the club, and these three guys get in our way. And I’m like, Hello? Walking here! But it’s not like they hadn’t noticed because they’re all, Give us your money, Bitches.
“Michael tosses over his wallet but-
“Well, if a girl is going to go for sensitive guys, she has to be prepared for the fact that they’re all pussies.
“Sure they are. At least Michael has a cute butt.
“Anyway, I’m digging through my purse, trying to find some denominations, when the street light goes out. And the freaks mugging us? They start freaking out. I mean, they’re totally losing their shit here, and it’s not like they had their shit together to begin with. Can we say ‘C-R-A-C-K’?
“One of them actually takes off, and the other two are screaming at me to hand over my money. But it’s not like I didn’t get the memo – it’s just too dark to see what I’m doing. Michael yells at me to give them the whole purse, and okay, maybe he has a point. But I spent two months trying to find a bag that matches my shoes-
“Oh, those shiny black ones with the faux-glass heel. Yeah, for my birthday.
“Now, I’m fumbling in my purse, and one of the idiots screaming at me just vanishes. In his place is this dark figure of a-
“Okay, fine. Yes, it’s the Batman. I swear, Brendi, you have no sense of proper drama.
“Anyway. People say he’s nine feet tall with fangs and an army of underage boys in lingerie, but he couldn’t have been more than seven foot ten. Eight feet, tops. And of course Michael’s screaming too-
“Yes, we’re already established that he’s a pussy.
“Then the last criminal pulls out a gun and waves it at Batman, and Batman gives him a look like, Bitch? Please. And then he moves.
“Well, I don’t know what happened next. I was too busy running away, wasn’t I?
“So we decide to skip the clubbing after all, and go back to the hotel. But we’re both too upped to sleep, so there’s nothing for it but wild monkey sex until we have to leave for the airport-
“Sensitive guys, Bren. I have been telling you for years.
“But anyway, this conversation has been all about me, hasn’t it? What’s been happening with you?
“The giant monkey again? Huh. Anything interesting?”
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Urban Legend!Batman is awesome.
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a thousand little Dicks following after Bruce isn't the best image evernever to write sentences when I'm tired. Geez.)no subject
Kinda reminds me of Patton Oswalt's JLA: Welcome to the Working Week.
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Well, I figure after living in the DCU for a while, we can forgive her for being a *little* bit jaded...
Kinda reminds me of Patton Oswalt's JLA: Welcome to the Working Week.
Hmm. I'll have to look up that one!
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I nearly hurt myself laughing. Well done, well done indeed. *giggles a LOT*
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And I think Batman *invented* that particular glare.
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And I absolutely think this witness should visit some other DCU cities and report back :)
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"And then we went to Keystone, but it was just *soooo* booooring. So I came back home in time to watch that show you were telling me about. With the guy?
"Yeah, you were right. Contacts."
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That's what "Happy Batman Day, sweetie!" really means.
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*votes for the report on Coast City!*
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And Batman the Urban Myth always makes me happy.
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"Bitch, please. I'm Batman."
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