Does What a Spermatozoon Can

[odditycollector]

So in Reign 3, we learn that Mary Jane was killed from exposure to Spider-man's radioactive sperm. Which is absolutely ridiculous. I mean, this is comic books. People don't die from exposure to radioactive sperm in comic books.

They get super powers!
 


Mary Jane's new power set would actually be pretty impressive:

- The ability to burrow into things that are spherical and much larger than her… like the Earth!

- Amazing swimming powers.

- A great sense of direction.

- The ability to survive days without food. (Handy talent for a model!)

- The ability to go unseen. It might take *weeks* before anyone knows she did something.

- Angsty "Oh no, I'm mutating!" storylines, in which she grows an extremely long tail.

- A theme song! (Well, she's married, so I figure she can share Peter's theme song. Sharing is what marriage is *about*, right?)

 
Sperm-woman, Sperm-woman,
Does what spermatozoa can.
Catches thieves by surprise;
She'll get right in their eyes.
Look Out!
Here comes the Sperm-woman.

Can she swim fast?
Oh, friend of mine,
She's got a radioactive behind.
Can she burrow underground?
Anywhere that's big and round.
Hey, there-
There goes the Sperm-woman.

In the chill of night
At the scene of a crime
Like a streak of white
She comes just in time.

Sperm-woman, Sperm-woman,
Friendly neighborhood Sperm-woman
Wealth and fame
She's ignored
Action is her reward.

To her, life is a great big bang up
Whenever there's a wang up
You'll find the Sperm-woman.

 
I'll leave the BIG question - "But what will she wear?!" - in more capable hands than mine. She's a model, after all, and I'm lucky if I can get my socks to match.

Though her symbol, I'm sure, will be a thing of *beauty*.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

♥

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

Is that... is that an anonymous Valentine? For *me*?

*gets all sniffly*

[petronelle.livejournal.com]

This is awe-inspiring and all too vivid.

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

Peter got bitten by a radioactive spider, Mary Jane got bitten by a radioactive sperm. I'm just following through the logic!

[brownbetty]

RADIOACTIVE SPERM

I feel this bears repeating.

Thank you for exposing me to this beautiful story-line.

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

Not Marvel? I can honestly say I hadn't spent much time thinking about the comic book properties of radioactive sperm before they brought it up...

[willnobilis.livejournal.com]

I knew you were cool.

I had no idea you were wonderful, intelligent, amazing and witty.

You deserve another ♥. Maybe even three.

♥ ♥ ♥

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

AWWWW! Thank you so very much.

(Though I must admit, I was baited. Marvel *actually published* the story of the spectacular spider-sperm! What could possibly fit the moment better than a drinking song? Goes well with the drinking required to make it all make sense!)

Ah yes.. .Marvel is (are?) masters of baiting. *zing!*

[willnobilis.livejournal.com]

You are very, very welcomed.

And yes, one does need to be drinking for it to make sense. Alcohol, preferrably. As opposed to water or something.

[http://users.livejournal.com/__marcelo/]

*hums the song despite himself* You are an evil, evil person.

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

I promise only to use my powers for evi... Actually, yes, I mean evil.

It's a great shower song. :D

[willnobilis.livejournal.com]

Wow, that was a pun of my calibur. Please, treat yourself to dinner or something.

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

To paraphrase brown_betty, it's amazing how dirty everything suddenly becomes once you PORNIFY IT with RADIOACTIVE SPERM!

RADIOACTIVE SPERM!

[willnobilis.livejournal.com]

Throw in Barry White music and you got yourself a party there.

[flaviarassen.livejournal.com]

chicka-bow-bow!!

[dine.livejournal.com]

*hearts you*

you've obviously been partaking of the crackiest sort of crack - do it again! by which I mean, this is brilliant!!!

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

There is no crack like mainstream comic book crack! It's so wacky and senseless!

*weeps at the senselessness of it all*

[jarodrussell.livejournal.com]

I assume, to prevent a massive wave of miraculous, man-less conceptions, she'll skip spandex and either wear: rubber, latex, or sheepskin. And I imagine her suit will have some kind of built in ribbing, you know, for her pleasure protection.

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

But she's a model! This is Marvel's chance to stick her in a tube top and skirt, fashion be damned! (And after all, meeting random kids she didn't know she had == storytelling GOLD!)

Maybe the skirt will have a sort of ribbed effect, though. :D

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

Also, she could have earrings. Shaped like sperm!

[morchades.livejournal.com]

Well... I hate to admit it, but I had something very like this idea (okay, it was THIS idea but with no spider-powers) for a DC couple. But because I don't write fanfiction the Internet was spared.

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

Spared until NOW, anyway. (I'd apologize, but it'd be a lie.)

Which DC couple, just out of curiosity? DC does have a couple radioactive people running around...

[morchades.livejournal.com]

Actually, not a radioactive guy, but the Shade's powers are weird and unpredictable. I thought Hope O'Dare would be fun with mild shadow powers. :)

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

Heh. Yeah, I can just see Hope--

Oh. Great. Now you have me thinking about the Shade's, erm, bodily fluids. And whether he has them, as such, or if the shadow... AAAHHH!

*folds arms and sulks*

[morchades.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'm not alone. :)

(I'm not a regular fanfiction reader but if you do end up writing it, link it to me, please! I'll find time.)

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

Hee. The most frightening thing about that particular scene is that I can think of about 5 people off hand who would *totally encourage* it to be written. Sarcastic comments about squid and all-- OH MY GOD I JUST GOT TENTICLE PORN IN.

How did that happen? *buries face in hands*

[morchades.livejournal.com]

The Shade is a versatile character.

[ysabel.livejournal.com]

Everything is better with tenticle porn in.

[dryponder.livejournal.com]

did you just issue a superhero costuming challenge? *gears turning*

man i just don't even know what to say about the state of mainstream comics. i may have to close down my 'all-positive' mainstream comics blog. there's hardly anything left to talk about.

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

I... I guess I did. I am suddenly worried at what those gears are turning towards. *ponders*

*attempts to peek inside your brain with one of those doctor lights*

And I like comics, really. By which I mean I like superheroes a whole lot, and I've seen really neat things done with the medium, and where I hang out in the fandom is full of cool people.

Unfortunately, I've lost a lot of my unqualified glee for the printed issues themselves. Most of the comics I look forward to now are not by DC (or Marvel, though I've never been much for Marvel) or at least are not Superhero books. Which is no good, because while I might really enjoy the stories, I am a *Superhero fan*, if you get me. It's not the same thing.

[caia-comica.livejournal.com]

*laughs* As per usual, you make everything better.

By which I mean, of course, MORE INSANE.

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

I LIVE TO SERVE!

(... my unfiltered impulses, mostly, but you know you love me anyway!)

Oh dear

[tomfoss.livejournal.com]

That's the funniest thing ever. Thank you!

Re: Oh dear

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

Thanks! But you'll never convince me anything can ever beat the original! (Marvel, you so wacky.)

[lost-angelwings.livejournal.com]

Catches thieves by surprise;
She'll get right in their eyes.

XDDDD

You win XD

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

I was originally trying to rework it to "She'll get right in your face." You know, in a superheroic, aggressive fashion!

But the person I was bouncing the theme song off of threated to refuse to talk to me anymore, so I settled for the genius you see before you. Above you. Something. :D

[ide-cyan.livejournal.com]

Hee. Best fix-it ever!

And wouldn't she also turn into a lesbian?

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

Nah... I don't the sperm *themselves* have any particular preference.

OTOH, if she did have a lesbian affair, the results might be, erm, complicated. (Does whatever sperm can in*deed*.)

[ed-fortune.livejournal.com]

Wow.
Brings the phrase doing a spiderman (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=spider+man) full circle.

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

Heh. Too bad the phrase "Mary Jane" is already taken.

[thirdblindmouse.livejournal.com]

Wonderful! (here via lj user="thoughtfulfan">

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

Oh, cool! :)

[tikimick.livejournal.com]

YOU WIN THE INTERNETZ OMG XDD

[zandperl.livejournal.com]

Reminds me of the Larry Niven short story "Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex." (http://www.larryniven.org/stories/Man_of_Steel_Woman_of_Kleenex.shtml)

[vaecrius.livejournal.com]

Awesomest superhero idea thie year. Possibly decade.

...though I'd imagine her symbol would look a bit like the SOS Brigade logo in black and white...

[vaecrius.livejournal.com]

(also found this indirectly through furikku's post here (http://furikku.livejournal.com/348855.html?nc=13))