Silly meme responses...
The Characters:
1. Amanda Waller
2. The Doctor
3. John Egbert
4. Kara Zor-El
5. a spankbot
6. Lois Lane
7. Jaime Reyes
8. Burton Guster
9. Karkat Vantas
10. Jean-Luc Picard
11. The Old Spice Man
12. Cassandra Cain
13. Aziraphale
14. Cristina Yang
15. Rose Lalonde
The Questions:
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jarodrussell asked:
Due to a horrible and comedic misunderstanding with a Galactic Peace Enforcement Agency, The Doctor is wrongly accused of a crime and is now a wanted fugitive on every planet in the galaxy. Jaime Reyes and Burton Guster have been drafted into service by the GPEA to hunt them down, and they only have a week to do it.
First, how to Gus and Gus find the Doctor? Second, what happens when they do? Third, providing there's a peaceful resolution to the second question, how do they prove the Doctor's innocence; if there's not a peaceful resolution, what becomes of the Doctor?
So this is a "misunderstanding" in scare quotes, is it? Yeah, that's about what I thought.
I expect the GPEA in question is the Green Lantern corps. Jaime Reyes is trying to build a truce between them and his Scarab, and Gus... okay, Gus, why are you there? Okay, my best guess is that one of the GL Guardians was really fucking sick of Hal Jordan's fanclub going on and on about the innate specialness of humans, and grabbed a human at random to prove a point. Sort of like Kyle Rayner's origin, except with more dickishness. And the human they randomly grab is Gus.
Gus has all sorts of plans of what he would do with a GL ring. Eg, he would show up to this client meetings in a really awesome glowing green car, and then *not have to pay for parking*! Sadly, not much fighting of intergalactic supervillains entered into his daydreams. Maybe the moment when he is victorious and everyone he knows is amazed at how awesome he is? But how he arrived at that moment... not so much.
So Gus gets a power ring! This is SO AWESOME! And then and Jaime are asked to hunt down a fugitive wanted on every planet in the galaxy. Uh.... Less awesome. Even Jaime is not sure they're up to it without some of the bigger hitters, but whatever, the galaxy needs them! BUT THEN something goes terribly, terribly wrong somewhere in this adventure, apparently involving time travel. We are left with two Gusses and no Jaimes!
That typo was special, btw. Thank you for giving me two guys played by Dule Hill in the same question. I don't even mind the special effects costs.
Gus and Gus do not so much *find* the Doctor as get rescued by him when they stumble into trouble they can't get out of, Green Lantern rings or no. When the younger version of Gus realizes who it is, he stammers out a "you are under arrest" spiel, waving his ring hand in front of him it he's warding off evil rather than wielding a cosmic weapon of imaginative destruction. The ever so slightly older version of Gus smacks him before he can finish the command that will call the combined might of the GLs to their location.
See, the Doctor is... well, the Doctor is in fact guilty of whatever he's accused of, but there were extenuating circumstances! Then there is a brief interlude which is The Search For Jaime, and younger Gus gets sent back to be older Gus for a bit, and they clear the Doctor's name! From what I know of the GLs, this just involves someone *saying* the words "extenuating circumstances" and then all is forgiven. Genocide? Extenuating Circumstances! Trying to blow up the sun? Extenuating Circumstances! Killing a shitload of your colleagues and all the GL Guardians except one? Extenuating Circumstances!
The Doctor then spins off in his TARDIS, ready for a new adventure of the sort he likes best! C'mon. How else was it going to end?
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philippos42 asked:
Hypothetically, if Mr Koiwai died, which of the fifteen would take in Yotsuba?
Note: wikipedia tells me Yotsuba is an excitable 5 year old who thinks EVERYTHING is new and amazing. This is the extent of my knowledge base.
So who takes her in? It's obviously John! There are other possibilities, like Jaime Reyes or Jean-Luc Picard, or Lois Lane would work after some awkwardness. There are definitely more responsible possibilities. But no one on this list would be as thrilled as John Egbert to have an adorable five year old girl to show around the universe. I just hope she likes stuffed bunnies. (And that John remembers not to gift her the one we've established in a previous meme as a spankbot.) He sings her terrible overwrought songs, to her delight, and roleplays his favourite movie scenes. She corrects him often that her name isn't "Casey".
He teaches her pranks! She's not very good at them yet, but to be fair, John's not a very good teacher.
Sometimes John makes his friends babysit, which for the purposes of this meme encompasses only Rose and Karkat because otherwise we'll be here a while. John's a friendly sort of dude!
After the first couple times, Rose figures out she doesn't *have* to chase after Yotsuba as she looks at things, and can simply sit working on her TERRIFYING knitting (Although right now I think she's working on making Kanaya some horn cozies, a gift that will be accepted with graciousness... and confusion. It is a fact of the universe that not *everything* needs a cozy) while Yotsuba runs around and brings back questions about anything she's particularly curious about.
"That's an orb required in summoning a demon from beyond the furthest ring." "That's the tip of the quill we used to break open the universe." "That's a mirror patterned from the Fourth Wall; it shows you not as you are, but as other people perceive you."
Rose is a better teacher than John. But not exactly of things mankind was meant to know.
And then it is, objectively, a bad idea to get a troll to babysit, because they are missing the mammalian instinct to find young children adorable and to want to protect them and make them happy... instead of, say, eat them. (Ask me what I believe grubsauce is made of!) But John thinks (correctly) it would be *really really* funny to make Karkat look after her. And Karkat's actually pretty trustworthy when it comes to not killing anyone, although he spends the entire babysitting time both freaked out at having a tiny alien monkey in close proximity and freaked out that he might accidentally break her somehow. Like if you were afraid of spiders, but your best friend and/or enemy needed someone to watch their tarantula. And they were weirdly opposed to keeping it in a cage. And oh fuck now it's grabbed onto his leg oh fuck oh fuck get it off get it the fuck off.
From Karkat, Yotsuba learns exciting new vocabulary!
Which two characters of the fifteen could you see having a substitute parent-child relationship?
HEE. Last meme, Amanda Waller and Karkat Vantas kept ending up in questions together, and that was my explanation. Because it is TRUTH. But I have written a lot about Karkat today so I'm just gonna c&p the relevant bit from last time. I mean, I tried to find an alternate substitute parent-child relationship pair in my character list, because THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS MEME KARKAT, but all I see is potential buddies or romances or at the *best* mentor/student type things. Cass/Amanda or Kara/Amanda come closest (Amanda is very maternal, in a terrifying way), through I do so want the Jaime Reyes & Captain Picard mentorship story now!
Anyway, here is my argument:
Amanda Waller's philosophy at getting shit done is more manipulative and less "stabs first; questions never" than Karkat's, but he still imprinted HARD on her back in the question where she was pretending to be his science teacher. (We will ignore for purposes of this meme who else might have imprinted on her.) At first Amanda tried to discourage this by, eg, arranging for Ben Turner to spar with him and kick his ass, but somehow this did the OPPOSITE of dissuading him from following her around. She seriously has enough stupid in her life without a belligerent adolescent bug creature electing her its surrogate parent... though OTOH, there is probably no one else in the world more qualified for the job. It's best for the planet if he grows up useful, after all. And he can do anger fuelled stubbornness, now if only she can teach him the value of patience...
Amanda Waller is who Karkat *wishes* he was. Look at her, productively leading a band of psychopaths towards a common goal, whilst simultaneously not being the worst individual ever to exist in paradox space!
I think they are good for each other, at least after Amanda Waller admits to herself that she can't keep *quite* the same emotional distance she tries to with most of the people on her teams. I'm a bit conflicted, because my privileged human bias means that I think it would be nicer for Karkat if he had glomped onto a substitute parent who would show him how to be happy instead of angry and hateful all the time, but Amanda Waller is more interested in teaching him how he can sharpen his anger until it functions as a blade, rather than a blunt instrument he flails wildly at everything. Hammers aren't Karkat's kind of weapon, after all.
And there's some catharsis for Amanda too in helping him grow up into a more functional person - for some definition of "functional" that works for her. Sure, she tells her people off for the Mini-Me jokes, but if she ever claims not to see some of herself in him it is blatant lies.
Eventually - ie, near graduation in the high school AU referenced a few questions down - Karkat realizes he doesn't actually want to follow directly into her footsteps. Oh, he's still gotta keep the remnants of his species in line, but he's on a planet with so many possibilities, he wants to try some of those out for a while. (I expect there is a Disastrous Road Trip Adventure (tm) during the summer, this being a very American AU.) He has a future now - he never honestly believed he would be allowed to have a future, even if he *had* succeeded in proving himself the most valuable troll of his generation - and the freedom of it is almost overwhelming.
He feels guilty about this. But Amanda, though she doesn't say so, is glad for him. She thinks it means she did something *right*.
Cristina Yang is transported back in time to Korea in the early 1950's, when the war was still hot. Whom does Cristina Yang contact to get out, & how?
Oh fuck. This is a novel. A really depressing novel. And I think it is a Cristina Yang/Owen Hunt novel too, because of the war time surgery parallels, which is not the sort of thing I approve of in general!
Oh *fuck*. You know what this novel is? This is the story of how Cristina Yang gets sent back in time and puts back together the shot up chest of a young boy who will recover, and grow up, and move to the USA, and get married... and die - eventually - bleeding out after a car accident while his nine year old daughter named Cristina Yang watches helpless, wishing a disjointed nine year old wish into the universe that she had the skills to save him.
I would give you more details, but it's really not an *easy* story.
And then she gets back thanks to, let's say, Aziraphale, who is there for reasons of his own and can see that she doesn't belong.
thefourthvine asked:
Amanda Waller, John Egbert, and a spankbot are stuck in an elevator. Do they get out? Do they have nervous breakdowns? Does John Egbert invent teleportation to get away from the spankbot?
John Egbert does not invent teleportation to get away from the spankbot, because 1) the spankbot belongs to him, and is presumably under his control, 2) teleportation already exists, *obviously*, and 3) John is not about to invent anything so mechanically involved. If you need a card trick that may or may not work as advertised, he is your man, but bending the laws of physics over and spanking them until they cry... I think you're gonna need his sister for that one. Maybe this is why Jade built the spankbot to begin with!
John thinks being trapped in an elevator is pretty neat, actually, even if there are no pregnant ladies and/or love interests the way there would be in a proper action thriller. Unless Amanda... no. No, no, no to whatever you were just thinking.
Amanda is pissed at whatever circumstances led to this. The elevator repair service people can expect to get an earful, I will tell you. She demands that John use his wind powers to get them out of there. John doesn't *really* want to break the elevator worse than it already is, but it's hard to argue with the Wall. And the elevator music is getting on his nerves, so.
Jaime Reyes and Burton Guster are left in charge of a small child for several hours. How does it go? What's left at the end?
Milagro Reyes takes offense at your description of her as a "small child"!
So obviously after their astonishly successful mission for the GLs, Jaime and Gus head back to Earth. On the way, they pass the time by talking about astronomy wonders they are passing (they both know most of the scientific names, and that is a lot of the fun) and geeky movies! Turns out there is a new geeky movie coming out, and Jaime and Gus make plans to land next to a movie theatre and immediately go see it.
Except then Jaime gets a call from his mom. Can he watch his younger sister for a while if he's done fighting space monsters for the day?
Moooom, you know it doesn't work that way! But as it happens yes he is. So Milagro gets to go with Jaime and Gus to whatever counts as a geeky movie in the DCU. Seriously, superheroes are in rom coms, alien invasions are in documentaries, comic book movies are westerns (thanks Watchmen), robotic rights drama is discussed on the evening news. Anyway.
Alas, on meeting Milagro, Gus' Green Lantern ring decides it would much rather belong to her, because while I am fond of Gus, he is not a fearless paragon of willpower. And thus we have the secret origin of Teen Lantern!
...Milagro, you are not a teenager yet!
And thus we have the secret origin of Kid Lantern!
Oh! What is that sound of facepalming coming from the direction of Oa? I believe it is that one GL Guardian who originally gave the ring to Gus as a mean spirited prank.
Aziraphale, Cristina Yang, and Rose Lalonde go on a retreat. Seven days of silence, meditation, cotton robes, and a light vegan diet. Do they have profound revelations? Do they develop new and exciting neuroses? Does someone die? How does it work out?
*cries for Cristina*
Cristina must have ended up here after the mass shooting at her hospital, when she'd temporarily resigned and was trying to figure out how to get back to herself. But it is a more drastic lesson in patience than *fishing*, and she barely managed that. If she makes it through - huge, huge if - it's because she decided she was *determined* to kick this retreat's ass, and she is meditating with the goal of doing it *better* than anyone else there. Cristina Yang is gonna *beat everyone* at inner peace.
When she gets back, she grabs an entire steak roast with a happy cry of "Meat!" and digs in, to the horror of her watching colleagues who are there for some reason. Maybe there is a Welcome Back Cristina dinner? I hope they were not looking forward to partaking in the Meat! dish.
Aziraphale and Rose, otoh, are there because Aziraphale wants to help her rid herself of darker influences, and I suppose something rather extreme has happened if she's agreed. I'm just not sure enforced silence is the way to go. Don't the eldritch tentacled horrorterrors live in the silent spaces? I guess that's why Aziraphale has accompanied her: he's not letting anything get through until she can learn to protect herself.
And Aziraphale, it turns out, is absolutely crap at meditating! He doesn't *need* to clear his mind to get in touch with the flow of the universe, though he's very embarrassed when the retreat leader keeps calling him out for fidgeting. Still, he's very productive, making all sorts of angelic phone calls he's been putting off over the centuries. We'll just have to forgive him for turning his mineral water into champagne and his cucumber sandwiches into cheesecake when no one is looking.
The Doctor and Captain Picard bodyswap - Picard is in the Doctor's body and life, and the Doctor is in Picard's. How do they handle things? Do they ever get back? (YES I USE SOME VARIATION OF THIS EVERY TIME. I love the answers it gets!)
Wow. This question is the most amazing question. I'm not sure this is the medium to to justice to it, but I will do what I can.
Last bit first, *of course* they get back. They track down who was responsible (Q? One of the Doctor's enemies? A naturally occurring space plothole?) and convince them it is in their best interest to return things to normal. There was never going to be any suspense about *that*.
The Enterprise crew gets its first clue something has gone terribly awry when, instead of their Captain showing up for his shift, the bridge gets a panicked call from Geordi in Engineering. The good Captain is dangling from a catwalk *rewiring the warp core*. *While it is on*. *Using only cutlery and a pen laser*. (Okay, 24th century pen lasers are more useful for the job, at least.)
Insert a scene of Riker and Data rushing down to Engineering to try to talk him down. The Doctor tries to tell them how inefficient their system was, and anyway, he can't stop now, it would overload! Geordi can at least back him up on that; many alarms are going off, but whatever he's doing, it'll go critical faster if he stops. Then, at the most dramatic moment possible, there is a terrific flash of explosion, knocking the Doctor to the ground by Riker & etc. He jumps triumphantly to his feet... or, well, tries to, then winces. He remembers why he likes the young bodies.
The warp core is operating at 417% efficiency, reports an astonished Geordi La Forge. Silverware glitters smugly through the Engineering room, dangling on wires made of 20th century dental floss.
You've seen this episode before, I'm sure. They take him to Sick Bay, run tests, "is he who he says he is?" "i never believed the myths", there are hijinks, and eventually an alien warship arrives at the planet the Enterprise has been assigned to help rebuild after a solar catastrophe. They have a grudge with the planet, and refuse to speak with any of the ship's underlings, and no one thinks to add an extra pip to, eg, Riker's uniform.
The Doctor must walk onto the bridge and bluff his way out of this one! He does that spiel he seems fond of lately. "You don't seem nearly afraid enough. DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"
No, they don't. Who is he?
Oh, right. The Doctor has forgotten who he was for a moment as well. Luckily "Captain Picard" also seems enough to strike fear into their hearts or equivalent organs. Or maybe he just comes off as a ranting madman, and they don't want to take their chances.
Day saved, the Doctor tells his loyal crew to plot a course into the cosmos!
Uh, no. Never mind that they don't take orders from the Doctor, because whether or not he is who he claims to be, he's obviously not their Captain. The Enterprise is going to stay as long as it takes to help rebuild this planet!
...The Doctor has never heard of such nonsense.
Meanwhile, somewhere else across the vagaries of space and time, Jean-Luc Picard is having the problem of River Song would like to take him to bed (and Amy Pond seems to have similar goals) but he is in someone else's body at the moment and that would be inappropriate! It is hard being Picard (euphemism not intended).
Also, he has no idea how the TARDIS works. But that's okay because the *TARDIS* knows how the TARDIS works, and after some initial friction between them (euphemism not intended :p) the TARDIS has decided to cooperate. And by "cooperate" I mean continue to set him down in places that are *not* the Enterprise in his present timeframe, but where things are rapidly spinning out of control in ways regular viewers of Doctor Who will be familiar with.
There is less running and explosions and engineering feats that are not very believable really, and there is more diplomacy and compromise. And Captain Picard is steadily putting together the longest report that has ever been submitted to Star Fleet's time travel division.
Kara and Cass must huddle for warmth for a night. Is there sex? Is there killing? Is there profound emotional bonding with tears of unbridled joy?
Oh, well. If they *must*. I do like the fanon where Supers give off just a little more body heat than humans, so Kara's not a bad choice to snuggle up to on a chilly night.
There are make outs, fluffy exploratory teenage girl makeouts, nothing further than "hands in pants". Although perhaps this is just because "huddle" sounds like a portmanteau between "hug" and "cuddle". While I know that is not actually the case, it's still hard to get from that word to hardcore fucking scenarios in my brain. It also makes certain football moments more adorable. :)
If you are wondering where the relationship-building process was in this silly answer, it was indeed last meme. This question is making it apparent I should mix up my character lists more between these memes. I had joked on tumblr that I would end up putting [Continuity Note! -Ed] all through this, and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.
Lois Lane, Karkat Vantas, and the Old Spice Man get hit with a deinhibitor, Naked Time style. What do they say? What do they do? Is there any collateral damage? When the deinhibitor wears off, what happens?
The deinhibitor in question is obviously just Old Spice Body wash, okay, and the only power it actually has is to make you not smell like a lady. But. I am breaking down laughing at the image of Karkat watching an Old Spice Man commercial. It would be like the first time he observed John, except now his eyes are full of <3's. (Karkat will have ignore that the Old Spice Man appears to *also* have a weird lady fetish, because human sexuality seems primarily designed as a joke at his expense. 'Course I still maintain that the Old Spice Man is not a being with a human sexuality, but he plays one - unconvincingly - on tv. As if Karkat has enough experience with humans to pick up on the difference.)
"Ohh, Mr Old Spice Man," a fanfiction by Karkat Vantas.
Karkat i am here now! (*smolder*) And i have horns for some reason and also my towel is now a bucket? (*ripple*) Ohhh, mr old spice man, ohhh! (*swoon*) Lets do it! Yes. And i will leave my manly scented deodorant on. (*gaze*) MEANWHILE IN A 20 UNIVERSE RADIUS OF THIS EVENT. TROLL WILL SMITH: CRYING (mr vantas!) IN JEALOUSY. JOHN EGBERT: (mr vantas!) TURNING GAY. It was amazing! (*the end*)
Karkat probably found the oldspice youtube account, and was sitting in the lab watching ALL zillion videos when he SHOULD have been watching his team for precursors to going on murder sprees! So much anguish could have been avoided but for Isaiah Mustafa's perfect abs!
I've forgotten what the question was.
Right. Lois Lane, Karkat Vantas, the Old Spice Man, and the amazing powers of Old Spice Bodywash.
This sounds like the premise for a gen!shower!fic. (Lois: I'm actually all right with smelling like a lady! Karkat: *sniffs bottle* Wait. This is what humans smell like? TOSM: Only the handsomest, manliest, Superest ones! *exaggerated wink in Lois' direction* Lois: *pretends to be unimpressed* Do you suppose the Old Spice Man teams up with the JLA on occasion? I bet this is a thing that happens! The day is not saved by Hostess Cakes, it is saved by Chemo suddenly smelling like a man and not likea lady a walking bag of toxic waste. You know what is more awkward than fighting evil when your uniform is a miniskirt? Fighting evil when your uniform is a towel wrapped around your waist!
(He gives Clark a year's supply of OS products every Kryptonian year for a minor holiday Clark has not heard of. And the thing is, Lois doesn't actually *like* the smell of OS products (blasphemy!) so Clark has to find a way to pass them on without deeply insulting the recipient.)
But it is the only soap they have, and they are *really dirty*. They just escaped from some, uh, pig farm sewers and -- look, it was that or death, okay? And Lois kicked Karkat in when he started yelling that he'd rather have death (lies). There's no real reason for TOSM to be as stinky as Lois and Karkat, but he is thrilled to have an excuse to get into the - shower room? waterfall? This fic does not have a very strong sense of place! You should all leave mean comments to the author - and rub OS body wash all over his body.
Lois and Karkat: Okay With This! (Although Karkat gets weirded out during the moment it looks like TOSM is going to remove his *still freshly laundered* fluffy white towel. Who *knows* what might be under there!)
Except I guess now we need awkward emotions. "Naked Time" is the one with awkward emotions, right? Unless you were referencing a porno, because I would be disappointed in the universe if there wasn't one with the same name and premise. So after they no longer stink like pig shit, everyone curls up in the Old Spice Man's pile of Old Spice paraphernalia and cries out their feelings.
Lois: Sometimes I find myself admiring the resourcefulness and drive of assholes like Lex Luthor and question my personal morals and journalistic integrity!
TOSM: There are moments when I'm so awesome, even I am reduced to silent, manly awe!
Karkat: Nothing is beautiful and everything hurts!
...And then they all go back to their respective homes and live happily ever after? This is basically going down as "yet another one of those days" in the diaries of all involved. 'Cept maybe the pig farmer.
nextian asked:
John Egbert and Kara Zor-El are playing shuffleboard on a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean when the lost city of Atlantis rises up from the waves. Who do they call first, and what do they do with Atlantis?
Aquaman! Because. Are you guys okay? Do you need assistance of a superheroic sort?
Nope! They are cool! It is just a thing Atlantis does periodically, they'll be sunk again by nightfall!
Well then! John and Kara are going back to their shuffleboard game! Which by this point is less a game of shuffleboard than of whose powers are best for cheating at shuffleboard! Pretty sure the pucks are not supposed to *hover*, John. Pretty sure the hovering pucks are not supposed to *melt*, Kara.
The important thing is they are having fun. And will remember to reimburse the cruise ship for the shuffleboard equipment.
Burton Guster is in their final year at the high school AU from the last iteration of this meme. What are they doing next, and which of the other characters is going to throw the biggest wrench in this plan?
First of all, Gus, Congrats on surviving 5 years of this nonsense! You have emerged a veteran of the Coloured Pen Ink War. Your prize is a lifetime of PTSD counselling!
So, does it have to be one of the other characters on the list? Because Gus is the type of boy Vriska really likes! ...to throw off cliffs. Is it allowed in the rules for me to tell you about the time Shawn decided to court Equius *for the lulz*, and arranged a double prom date with Equius and Vriska, and then Shawn arrived for prom in a sexy horse costume and was not allowed entry -- meaning Gus had to deal with Vriska *on his own* -- and later Shawn got in the news telling off the school administration for discriminating against Alternian cultural practices?
(In this high school AU, Shawn Spencer has to work *really hard* to keep his position as Best Troll.)
But the thing about Burton Guster, is that even in this surreal adolescent AU nightmare (And... wow. In this timeline, Gus is going to be *so much more annoyed* with his parents when he finds out he actually did get accepted into a School for Gifted Students, but his parents just *didn't want to drive him*.) Gus is still the sort of student to get voted "Most Likely To Succeed" for the year book.
(Do we want to get into the multiple *campaigns* for "Most Likely To Succeed In Taking Over The Earth"? I suspect the Year Book Committee removed that joke category when it began to look like the race would be decided in a gladiatorial fashion. Also, was more suggestive of foreshadowing than anyone was comfortable with.)
Anyway, Gus was expecting to go to college, and we know that in Another Universe he would have eventually made a life for himself as a pharmaceutical rep/partner in a fake psychic buisness. But when the kid Most Likely To Succeed is attending a school under the watchful eye of Amanda Waller... let's just say there are new options. ("The name is Guster. Burton Guster." "Amazing! I didn't know it was possible to wear a tux with three hundred thousand dollars of laser weapons built in, and still be a dork!" "Shut up, Shawn. You are *my* sidekick in this AU!")
And she'd even give him advance credit for Maintaining Acceptable Survival Rates While Co-Existing With Sociopathic Carnivorous Aliens 101.
...You know, I normally am uninterested in high school AUs, but this one was basically invented to contain an entire meme's worth of wacky shit. (It helps that so many of those attending are teenagers anyway.) I bet the students who aren't aliens or Time Lords or angels or survivors of sburb or superheroes or whatever have their own twitter hash tag, and it is so full of ridiculous.
Amanda Waller and Cassandra Cain move to Sesame Street. Discuss.
<3 <3 <3
Oh wait do I need more?
<3 <3 <3 <3
This is an excellent place for Cass go to reinvent herself. Everyone acts so kind and friendly and supportive, and according to their body language, it's because they really *are* that kind and friendly and supportive. She participates in many examples of important life lessons for its various denizens, and even learns some herself! Not much of a singing voice, though, but no one cares.
She fills in a couple times for one of the various fairies hanging around the place, and many hijinks are had. If I knew more about the details of Sesame Street, I would tell you more, but alas. I do know one of the fairies looks like Cristina Yang, although she is not actually the heart surgery fairy, because Sesame Street is not meant to be baby's first horror show.
Amanda is much more irritated living here, because the world isn't *really* ever so uncomplicated. Plus, its narrative physics keeps trying to drag her into morality plays and... no. But no one ever thinks to look for her on Sesame Street! And if they did, well. She has made sure the place is *protected*.
Just because no real place could get away with being so *happy*, doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate the *ideal* of it. She is working towards a Better World, after all.
Karkat Vantas, a BNF in a fandom of your choice, gets involved with a flamewar with one or more of the other characters. Who and why?
AHAHAHAHA!
IS THIS CANON? THIS IS A THING THAT SOUNDS LIKE CANON.
Karkat is a BNF solely because he is so damn wanky. Encyclopedia Dramatica had to split up his page. He gets involved in flamewars with EVERYONE. For really stupid reasons! In more important debates he sometimes makes good points, but no one ever listens to him because he is an asshole. And also because he says *really weird things* if anyone brings up race or gender. He's not learned up on our wacky human stereotypes.
Also, he is the *worst* at ableism discussions. Just. No. I don't even want to go there. There are countless variations on "Stop being a troll!" "RIGHT AFTER YOU STOP BEING A MONKEY WITH USELESS NUBBY TEETH" floating around the interwebs.
He *doesn't* get in flamewars with John, but it isn't because he's not trying.
--
HEY ASSHOLE. SCHOOLFEED YOURSELF ON WHAT THE NEW PARAGRAPH KEY IS FOR.
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uh... that's not a real key.
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MAYBE NOT ON YOUR SHITTY EARTH KEYBOARD. BUT WATCH THIS.
WOW.
FUCKING MIRACLES.
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hey! does this mean you read my fic? did you like it?
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WHY IS TALKING TO YOU ALWAYS LIKE BANGING MY HEAD REPEATEDLY AGAINST A ROCK WALL. LOOKING AT YOUR GIANT BLOCK OF WORDS CRAMMED UP EACH OTHER'S ASSES LIKE HUNGRY WIGGLERS MAKES ME WANT TO FIND YOUR CREEPY STEP-SISTER SO SHE CAN STAB HER POINTY STICKS INTO MY EYEBALLS.
AND THROUGH THE BLOOD AND THE TEARS AND THE ALIEN EYE GOOP SLIDING DOWN MY FACE I WILL BE THANKING GOD THAT I WILL NEVER SEE ANYTHING SO FUCKING AWFUL AGAIN.
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hmm... i don't know. maybe for my next story i'll try to put some white lines in?
anyway, you should read it! i was pretty sad when penny died, so this time i made captain hammer save her.
and i even made up a new song! the lyrics are the part in italics. do you think i should add the piano chords in a comment or something?
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OH MY GOD. YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT OF EVERYTHING SO BADLY.
IT WAS A CAUTIONARY TALE ABOUT COVETING YOUR KISMESIS' MATESPRIT. OF COURSE IN THE END BILLY LOSES BOTH CAPTAIN HAMMER AND PENNY. THAT'S HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE A HAPPY ENDING.
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lol. you like happy endings though!
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DOCTOR HORRIBLE'S SING ALONG BLOG IS THE GREATEST WORK OF TRAGIC ART YOUR SPECIES HAS EVER MANAGED TO ACCIDENTALLY VOMIT ONTO YOUR PRIMITIVE INFORMATION NETWORK, AND YOU ARE RUINING IT WITH YOUR SHITTY FIC. JUST LIKE YOU RUIN EVERYTHING.
STOP BEING SO FUCKING RETARDED RIGHT NOW, THAT'S AN ORDER FROM SOMEONE INFINITELY BETTER THAN YOU.
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hahaha! you can't give me orders, karkat.
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Gentlemen. And by "Gentlemen" I am, of course, addressing a singular individual in this comment thread who I have told repeatedly to stop using ableist slurs in areas I frequent, unless he would prefer I take the matter of an enjoyable fandom experience into my own hands.
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FUCK YOU LALONDE, YOU CAN'T BAN ME FROM ANYTHING AND YOU KNOW IT.
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It was never my intent to resort to less than drastic measures.
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...rose? did you explode his computer again? you know he's just going to come over here and use mine.
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If that proves to be inevitable, perhaps you should take the opportunity to serenade him with a live performance of "How Do I Live Without You, Captain Hammer, When You Are So Strong And Handsome And Good At Saving Me From Supervillains." It seems like an oversight on the part of the universe that I've heard it several dozen times this week, while Karkat Vantas has remained ignorant of the full scope of your musical talent.
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i know you're being sarcastic, but that's still a great idea and i'm totally going to! thanks, rose!
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This failed flamewar is dedicated tobrownbetty, for reasons she can probably guess.
angel_gidget asked:
A spankbot and Lois Lane are trapped in a freezing room with one blanket. Do they cuddle for body heat or would they rather freeze?
HEY! This meme is suddenly the canon generator!
I'm not sure how much heat a spankbot generates, but I know that at least Lois' *ass* will be kept warm!
Jaime Reyes and Burton Guster go into the same community service program. How does that work out for them?
I feel like I answered this one already. The community service program is obviously helping the Green Lanterns apprehend the Doctor. Jaime and Gus do get along excellently, but they are outmatched by their mission parameters. The Green Lanterns are dicks.
I think they keep in touch after, though. Those are two dudes destined to get along!
Karkat Vantas and John Egbert walk into a bar...
...and are immediately sent back out again, because no matter how good your fake id is, when you are 13 you are 13.
Seriously guys, why did you think that would be a good choice of activity?
Jean-Luc Picard is charged with setting up the Doctor on a date with another number. Who do they pick?
Aziraphale! It just seems like they'd have the most in common, being off-normal time travelling extremely old British dudes! It's possible they even arrived together.
I wonder if this is before or after the body swapping shenanigans. Probably after - would explain what the Doctor is doing in the 24th century! And as we know, explaining the setups to random wacky questions is the most essential part of this game!
(No, it's not. *cries* Why do I do it so wrong? No one needs so many words.)
Aziraphale and the Doctor get along, as previously stated, to the buddy cop standard, but I'm unconvinced their date goes anywhere very romantic. Aziraphale is an asexual being unless he specifically makes a point of it to be otherwise, and he's not dangerous enough - okay, that's a lie, he's plenty dangerous, but he doesn't tease it for flirting purposes - to be the Doctor's usual type. (Nor is he young, female, or human, the Doctor's other apparent type.)
The end!
*stares at word count for this* So then why do I always struggle to finish my Yuletide stories? It makes no sense.
The Characters:
1. Amanda Waller
2. The Doctor
3. John Egbert
4. Kara Zor-El
5. a spankbot
6. Lois Lane
7. Jaime Reyes
8. Burton Guster
9. Karkat Vantas
10. Jean-Luc Picard
11. The Old Spice Man
12. Cassandra Cain
13. Aziraphale
14. Cristina Yang
15. Rose Lalonde
The Questions:
jarodrussell asked:Due to a horrible and comedic misunderstanding with a Galactic Peace Enforcement Agency, The Doctor is wrongly accused of a crime and is now a wanted fugitive on every planet in the galaxy. Jaime Reyes and Burton Guster have been drafted into service by the GPEA to hunt them down, and they only have a week to do it.
First, how to Gus and Gus find the Doctor? Second, what happens when they do? Third, providing there's a peaceful resolution to the second question, how do they prove the Doctor's innocence; if there's not a peaceful resolution, what becomes of the Doctor?
So this is a "misunderstanding" in scare quotes, is it? Yeah, that's about what I thought.
I expect the GPEA in question is the Green Lantern corps. Jaime Reyes is trying to build a truce between them and his Scarab, and Gus... okay, Gus, why are you there? Okay, my best guess is that one of the GL Guardians was really fucking sick of Hal Jordan's fanclub going on and on about the innate specialness of humans, and grabbed a human at random to prove a point. Sort of like Kyle Rayner's origin, except with more dickishness. And the human they randomly grab is Gus.
Gus has all sorts of plans of what he would do with a GL ring. Eg, he would show up to this client meetings in a really awesome glowing green car, and then *not have to pay for parking*! Sadly, not much fighting of intergalactic supervillains entered into his daydreams. Maybe the moment when he is victorious and everyone he knows is amazed at how awesome he is? But how he arrived at that moment... not so much.
So Gus gets a power ring! This is SO AWESOME! And then and Jaime are asked to hunt down a fugitive wanted on every planet in the galaxy. Uh.... Less awesome. Even Jaime is not sure they're up to it without some of the bigger hitters, but whatever, the galaxy needs them! BUT THEN something goes terribly, terribly wrong somewhere in this adventure, apparently involving time travel. We are left with two Gusses and no Jaimes!
That typo was special, btw. Thank you for giving me two guys played by Dule Hill in the same question. I don't even mind the special effects costs.
Gus and Gus do not so much *find* the Doctor as get rescued by him when they stumble into trouble they can't get out of, Green Lantern rings or no. When the younger version of Gus realizes who it is, he stammers out a "you are under arrest" spiel, waving his ring hand in front of him it he's warding off evil rather than wielding a cosmic weapon of imaginative destruction. The ever so slightly older version of Gus smacks him before he can finish the command that will call the combined might of the GLs to their location.
See, the Doctor is... well, the Doctor is in fact guilty of whatever he's accused of, but there were extenuating circumstances! Then there is a brief interlude which is The Search For Jaime, and younger Gus gets sent back to be older Gus for a bit, and they clear the Doctor's name! From what I know of the GLs, this just involves someone *saying* the words "extenuating circumstances" and then all is forgiven. Genocide? Extenuating Circumstances! Trying to blow up the sun? Extenuating Circumstances! Killing a shitload of your colleagues and all the GL Guardians except one? Extenuating Circumstances!
The Doctor then spins off in his TARDIS, ready for a new adventure of the sort he likes best! C'mon. How else was it going to end?
philippos42 asked:Hypothetically, if Mr Koiwai died, which of the fifteen would take in Yotsuba?
Note: wikipedia tells me Yotsuba is an excitable 5 year old who thinks EVERYTHING is new and amazing. This is the extent of my knowledge base.
So who takes her in? It's obviously John! There are other possibilities, like Jaime Reyes or Jean-Luc Picard, or Lois Lane would work after some awkwardness. There are definitely more responsible possibilities. But no one on this list would be as thrilled as John Egbert to have an adorable five year old girl to show around the universe. I just hope she likes stuffed bunnies. (And that John remembers not to gift her the one we've established in a previous meme as a spankbot.) He sings her terrible overwrought songs, to her delight, and roleplays his favourite movie scenes. She corrects him often that her name isn't "Casey".
He teaches her pranks! She's not very good at them yet, but to be fair, John's not a very good teacher.
Sometimes John makes his friends babysit, which for the purposes of this meme encompasses only Rose and Karkat because otherwise we'll be here a while. John's a friendly sort of dude!
After the first couple times, Rose figures out she doesn't *have* to chase after Yotsuba as she looks at things, and can simply sit working on her TERRIFYING knitting (Although right now I think she's working on making Kanaya some horn cozies, a gift that will be accepted with graciousness... and confusion. It is a fact of the universe that not *everything* needs a cozy) while Yotsuba runs around and brings back questions about anything she's particularly curious about.
"That's an orb required in summoning a demon from beyond the furthest ring." "That's the tip of the quill we used to break open the universe." "That's a mirror patterned from the Fourth Wall; it shows you not as you are, but as other people perceive you."
Rose is a better teacher than John. But not exactly of things mankind was meant to know.
And then it is, objectively, a bad idea to get a troll to babysit, because they are missing the mammalian instinct to find young children adorable and to want to protect them and make them happy... instead of, say, eat them. (Ask me what I believe grubsauce is made of!) But John thinks (correctly) it would be *really really* funny to make Karkat look after her. And Karkat's actually pretty trustworthy when it comes to not killing anyone, although he spends the entire babysitting time both freaked out at having a tiny alien monkey in close proximity and freaked out that he might accidentally break her somehow. Like if you were afraid of spiders, but your best friend and/or enemy needed someone to watch their tarantula. And they were weirdly opposed to keeping it in a cage. And oh fuck now it's grabbed onto his leg oh fuck oh fuck get it off get it the fuck off.
From Karkat, Yotsuba learns exciting new vocabulary!
Which two characters of the fifteen could you see having a substitute parent-child relationship?
HEE. Last meme, Amanda Waller and Karkat Vantas kept ending up in questions together, and that was my explanation. Because it is TRUTH. But I have written a lot about Karkat today so I'm just gonna c&p the relevant bit from last time. I mean, I tried to find an alternate substitute parent-child relationship pair in my character list, because THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS MEME KARKAT, but all I see is potential buddies or romances or at the *best* mentor/student type things. Cass/Amanda or Kara/Amanda come closest (Amanda is very maternal, in a terrifying way), through I do so want the Jaime Reyes & Captain Picard mentorship story now!
Anyway, here is my argument:
Amanda Waller's philosophy at getting shit done is more manipulative and less "stabs first; questions never" than Karkat's, but he still imprinted HARD on her back in the question where she was pretending to be his science teacher. (We will ignore for purposes of this meme who else might have imprinted on her.) At first Amanda tried to discourage this by, eg, arranging for Ben Turner to spar with him and kick his ass, but somehow this did the OPPOSITE of dissuading him from following her around. She seriously has enough stupid in her life without a belligerent adolescent bug creature electing her its surrogate parent... though OTOH, there is probably no one else in the world more qualified for the job. It's best for the planet if he grows up useful, after all. And he can do anger fuelled stubbornness, now if only she can teach him the value of patience...
Amanda Waller is who Karkat *wishes* he was. Look at her, productively leading a band of psychopaths towards a common goal, whilst simultaneously not being the worst individual ever to exist in paradox space!
I think they are good for each other, at least after Amanda Waller admits to herself that she can't keep *quite* the same emotional distance she tries to with most of the people on her teams. I'm a bit conflicted, because my privileged human bias means that I think it would be nicer for Karkat if he had glomped onto a substitute parent who would show him how to be happy instead of angry and hateful all the time, but Amanda Waller is more interested in teaching him how he can sharpen his anger until it functions as a blade, rather than a blunt instrument he flails wildly at everything. Hammers aren't Karkat's kind of weapon, after all.
And there's some catharsis for Amanda too in helping him grow up into a more functional person - for some definition of "functional" that works for her. Sure, she tells her people off for the Mini-Me jokes, but if she ever claims not to see some of herself in him it is blatant lies.
Eventually - ie, near graduation in the high school AU referenced a few questions down - Karkat realizes he doesn't actually want to follow directly into her footsteps. Oh, he's still gotta keep the remnants of his species in line, but he's on a planet with so many possibilities, he wants to try some of those out for a while. (I expect there is a Disastrous Road Trip Adventure (tm) during the summer, this being a very American AU.) He has a future now - he never honestly believed he would be allowed to have a future, even if he *had* succeeded in proving himself the most valuable troll of his generation - and the freedom of it is almost overwhelming.
He feels guilty about this. But Amanda, though she doesn't say so, is glad for him. She thinks it means she did something *right*.
Cristina Yang is transported back in time to Korea in the early 1950's, when the war was still hot. Whom does Cristina Yang contact to get out, & how?
Oh fuck. This is a novel. A really depressing novel. And I think it is a Cristina Yang/Owen Hunt novel too, because of the war time surgery parallels, which is not the sort of thing I approve of in general!
Oh *fuck*. You know what this novel is? This is the story of how Cristina Yang gets sent back in time and puts back together the shot up chest of a young boy who will recover, and grow up, and move to the USA, and get married... and die - eventually - bleeding out after a car accident while his nine year old daughter named Cristina Yang watches helpless, wishing a disjointed nine year old wish into the universe that she had the skills to save him.
I would give you more details, but it's really not an *easy* story.
And then she gets back thanks to, let's say, Aziraphale, who is there for reasons of his own and can see that she doesn't belong.
thefourthvine asked:Amanda Waller, John Egbert, and a spankbot are stuck in an elevator. Do they get out? Do they have nervous breakdowns? Does John Egbert invent teleportation to get away from the spankbot?
John Egbert does not invent teleportation to get away from the spankbot, because 1) the spankbot belongs to him, and is presumably under his control, 2) teleportation already exists, *obviously*, and 3) John is not about to invent anything so mechanically involved. If you need a card trick that may or may not work as advertised, he is your man, but bending the laws of physics over and spanking them until they cry... I think you're gonna need his sister for that one. Maybe this is why Jade built the spankbot to begin with!
John thinks being trapped in an elevator is pretty neat, actually, even if there are no pregnant ladies and/or love interests the way there would be in a proper action thriller. Unless Amanda... no. No, no, no to whatever you were just thinking.
Amanda is pissed at whatever circumstances led to this. The elevator repair service people can expect to get an earful, I will tell you. She demands that John use his wind powers to get them out of there. John doesn't *really* want to break the elevator worse than it already is, but it's hard to argue with the Wall. And the elevator music is getting on his nerves, so.
Jaime Reyes and Burton Guster are left in charge of a small child for several hours. How does it go? What's left at the end?
Milagro Reyes takes offense at your description of her as a "small child"!
So obviously after their astonishly successful mission for the GLs, Jaime and Gus head back to Earth. On the way, they pass the time by talking about astronomy wonders they are passing (they both know most of the scientific names, and that is a lot of the fun) and geeky movies! Turns out there is a new geeky movie coming out, and Jaime and Gus make plans to land next to a movie theatre and immediately go see it.
Except then Jaime gets a call from his mom. Can he watch his younger sister for a while if he's done fighting space monsters for the day?
Moooom, you know it doesn't work that way! But as it happens yes he is. So Milagro gets to go with Jaime and Gus to whatever counts as a geeky movie in the DCU. Seriously, superheroes are in rom coms, alien invasions are in documentaries, comic book movies are westerns (thanks Watchmen), robotic rights drama is discussed on the evening news. Anyway.
Alas, on meeting Milagro, Gus' Green Lantern ring decides it would much rather belong to her, because while I am fond of Gus, he is not a fearless paragon of willpower. And thus we have the secret origin of Teen Lantern!
...Milagro, you are not a teenager yet!
And thus we have the secret origin of Kid Lantern!
Oh! What is that sound of facepalming coming from the direction of Oa? I believe it is that one GL Guardian who originally gave the ring to Gus as a mean spirited prank.
Aziraphale, Cristina Yang, and Rose Lalonde go on a retreat. Seven days of silence, meditation, cotton robes, and a light vegan diet. Do they have profound revelations? Do they develop new and exciting neuroses? Does someone die? How does it work out?
*cries for Cristina*
Cristina must have ended up here after the mass shooting at her hospital, when she'd temporarily resigned and was trying to figure out how to get back to herself. But it is a more drastic lesson in patience than *fishing*, and she barely managed that. If she makes it through - huge, huge if - it's because she decided she was *determined* to kick this retreat's ass, and she is meditating with the goal of doing it *better* than anyone else there. Cristina Yang is gonna *beat everyone* at inner peace.
When she gets back, she grabs an entire steak roast with a happy cry of "Meat!" and digs in, to the horror of her watching colleagues who are there for some reason. Maybe there is a Welcome Back Cristina dinner? I hope they were not looking forward to partaking in the Meat! dish.
Aziraphale and Rose, otoh, are there because Aziraphale wants to help her rid herself of darker influences, and I suppose something rather extreme has happened if she's agreed. I'm just not sure enforced silence is the way to go. Don't the eldritch tentacled horrorterrors live in the silent spaces? I guess that's why Aziraphale has accompanied her: he's not letting anything get through until she can learn to protect herself.
And Aziraphale, it turns out, is absolutely crap at meditating! He doesn't *need* to clear his mind to get in touch with the flow of the universe, though he's very embarrassed when the retreat leader keeps calling him out for fidgeting. Still, he's very productive, making all sorts of angelic phone calls he's been putting off over the centuries. We'll just have to forgive him for turning his mineral water into champagne and his cucumber sandwiches into cheesecake when no one is looking.
The Doctor and Captain Picard bodyswap - Picard is in the Doctor's body and life, and the Doctor is in Picard's. How do they handle things? Do they ever get back? (YES I USE SOME VARIATION OF THIS EVERY TIME. I love the answers it gets!)
Wow. This question is the most amazing question. I'm not sure this is the medium to to justice to it, but I will do what I can.
Last bit first, *of course* they get back. They track down who was responsible (Q? One of the Doctor's enemies? A naturally occurring space plothole?) and convince them it is in their best interest to return things to normal. There was never going to be any suspense about *that*.
The Enterprise crew gets its first clue something has gone terribly awry when, instead of their Captain showing up for his shift, the bridge gets a panicked call from Geordi in Engineering. The good Captain is dangling from a catwalk *rewiring the warp core*. *While it is on*. *Using only cutlery and a pen laser*. (Okay, 24th century pen lasers are more useful for the job, at least.)
Insert a scene of Riker and Data rushing down to Engineering to try to talk him down. The Doctor tries to tell them how inefficient their system was, and anyway, he can't stop now, it would overload! Geordi can at least back him up on that; many alarms are going off, but whatever he's doing, it'll go critical faster if he stops. Then, at the most dramatic moment possible, there is a terrific flash of explosion, knocking the Doctor to the ground by Riker & etc. He jumps triumphantly to his feet... or, well, tries to, then winces. He remembers why he likes the young bodies.
The warp core is operating at 417% efficiency, reports an astonished Geordi La Forge. Silverware glitters smugly through the Engineering room, dangling on wires made of 20th century dental floss.
You've seen this episode before, I'm sure. They take him to Sick Bay, run tests, "is he who he says he is?" "i never believed the myths", there are hijinks, and eventually an alien warship arrives at the planet the Enterprise has been assigned to help rebuild after a solar catastrophe. They have a grudge with the planet, and refuse to speak with any of the ship's underlings, and no one thinks to add an extra pip to, eg, Riker's uniform.
The Doctor must walk onto the bridge and bluff his way out of this one! He does that spiel he seems fond of lately. "You don't seem nearly afraid enough. DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"
No, they don't. Who is he?
Oh, right. The Doctor has forgotten who he was for a moment as well. Luckily "Captain Picard" also seems enough to strike fear into their hearts or equivalent organs. Or maybe he just comes off as a ranting madman, and they don't want to take their chances.
Day saved, the Doctor tells his loyal crew to plot a course into the cosmos!
Uh, no. Never mind that they don't take orders from the Doctor, because whether or not he is who he claims to be, he's obviously not their Captain. The Enterprise is going to stay as long as it takes to help rebuild this planet!
...The Doctor has never heard of such nonsense.
Meanwhile, somewhere else across the vagaries of space and time, Jean-Luc Picard is having the problem of River Song would like to take him to bed (and Amy Pond seems to have similar goals) but he is in someone else's body at the moment and that would be inappropriate! It is hard being Picard (euphemism not intended).
Also, he has no idea how the TARDIS works. But that's okay because the *TARDIS* knows how the TARDIS works, and after some initial friction between them (euphemism not intended :p) the TARDIS has decided to cooperate. And by "cooperate" I mean continue to set him down in places that are *not* the Enterprise in his present timeframe, but where things are rapidly spinning out of control in ways regular viewers of Doctor Who will be familiar with.
There is less running and explosions and engineering feats that are not very believable really, and there is more diplomacy and compromise. And Captain Picard is steadily putting together the longest report that has ever been submitted to Star Fleet's time travel division.
Kara and Cass must huddle for warmth for a night. Is there sex? Is there killing? Is there profound emotional bonding with tears of unbridled joy?
Oh, well. If they *must*. I do like the fanon where Supers give off just a little more body heat than humans, so Kara's not a bad choice to snuggle up to on a chilly night.
There are make outs, fluffy exploratory teenage girl makeouts, nothing further than "hands in pants". Although perhaps this is just because "huddle" sounds like a portmanteau between "hug" and "cuddle". While I know that is not actually the case, it's still hard to get from that word to hardcore fucking scenarios in my brain. It also makes certain football moments more adorable. :)
If you are wondering where the relationship-building process was in this silly answer, it was indeed last meme. This question is making it apparent I should mix up my character lists more between these memes. I had joked on tumblr that I would end up putting [Continuity Note! -Ed] all through this, and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.
Lois Lane, Karkat Vantas, and the Old Spice Man get hit with a deinhibitor, Naked Time style. What do they say? What do they do? Is there any collateral damage? When the deinhibitor wears off, what happens?
The deinhibitor in question is obviously just Old Spice Body wash, okay, and the only power it actually has is to make you not smell like a lady. But. I am breaking down laughing at the image of Karkat watching an Old Spice Man commercial. It would be like the first time he observed John, except now his eyes are full of <3's. (Karkat will have ignore that the Old Spice Man appears to *also* have a weird lady fetish, because human sexuality seems primarily designed as a joke at his expense. 'Course I still maintain that the Old Spice Man is not a being with a human sexuality, but he plays one - unconvincingly - on tv. As if Karkat has enough experience with humans to pick up on the difference.)
"Ohh, Mr Old Spice Man," a fanfiction by Karkat Vantas.
Karkat i am here now! (*smolder*) And i have horns for some reason and also my towel is now a bucket? (*ripple*) Ohhh, mr old spice man, ohhh! (*swoon*) Lets do it! Yes. And i will leave my manly scented deodorant on. (*gaze*) MEANWHILE IN A 20 UNIVERSE RADIUS OF THIS EVENT. TROLL WILL SMITH: CRYING (mr vantas!) IN JEALOUSY. JOHN EGBERT: (mr vantas!) TURNING GAY. It was amazing! (*the end*)
Karkat probably found the oldspice youtube account, and was sitting in the lab watching ALL zillion videos when he SHOULD have been watching his team for precursors to going on murder sprees! So much anguish could have been avoided but for Isaiah Mustafa's perfect abs!
I've forgotten what the question was.
Right. Lois Lane, Karkat Vantas, the Old Spice Man, and the amazing powers of Old Spice Bodywash.
This sounds like the premise for a gen!shower!fic. (Lois: I'm actually all right with smelling like a lady! Karkat: *sniffs bottle* Wait. This is what humans smell like? TOSM: Only the handsomest, manliest, Superest ones! *exaggerated wink in Lois' direction* Lois: *pretends to be unimpressed* Do you suppose the Old Spice Man teams up with the JLA on occasion? I bet this is a thing that happens! The day is not saved by Hostess Cakes, it is saved by Chemo suddenly smelling like a man and not like
(He gives Clark a year's supply of OS products every Kryptonian year for a minor holiday Clark has not heard of. And the thing is, Lois doesn't actually *like* the smell of OS products (blasphemy!) so Clark has to find a way to pass them on without deeply insulting the recipient.)
But it is the only soap they have, and they are *really dirty*. They just escaped from some, uh, pig farm sewers and -- look, it was that or death, okay? And Lois kicked Karkat in when he started yelling that he'd rather have death (lies). There's no real reason for TOSM to be as stinky as Lois and Karkat, but he is thrilled to have an excuse to get into the - shower room? waterfall? This fic does not have a very strong sense of place! You should all leave mean comments to the author - and rub OS body wash all over his body.
Lois and Karkat: Okay With This! (Although Karkat gets weirded out during the moment it looks like TOSM is going to remove his *still freshly laundered* fluffy white towel. Who *knows* what might be under there!)
Except I guess now we need awkward emotions. "Naked Time" is the one with awkward emotions, right? Unless you were referencing a porno, because I would be disappointed in the universe if there wasn't one with the same name and premise. So after they no longer stink like pig shit, everyone curls up in the Old Spice Man's pile of Old Spice paraphernalia and cries out their feelings.
Lois: Sometimes I find myself admiring the resourcefulness and drive of assholes like Lex Luthor and question my personal morals and journalistic integrity!
TOSM: There are moments when I'm so awesome, even I am reduced to silent, manly awe!
Karkat: Nothing is beautiful and everything hurts!
...And then they all go back to their respective homes and live happily ever after? This is basically going down as "yet another one of those days" in the diaries of all involved. 'Cept maybe the pig farmer.
nextian asked:John Egbert and Kara Zor-El are playing shuffleboard on a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean when the lost city of Atlantis rises up from the waves. Who do they call first, and what do they do with Atlantis?
Aquaman! Because. Are you guys okay? Do you need assistance of a superheroic sort?
Nope! They are cool! It is just a thing Atlantis does periodically, they'll be sunk again by nightfall!
Well then! John and Kara are going back to their shuffleboard game! Which by this point is less a game of shuffleboard than of whose powers are best for cheating at shuffleboard! Pretty sure the pucks are not supposed to *hover*, John. Pretty sure the hovering pucks are not supposed to *melt*, Kara.
The important thing is they are having fun. And will remember to reimburse the cruise ship for the shuffleboard equipment.
Burton Guster is in their final year at the high school AU from the last iteration of this meme. What are they doing next, and which of the other characters is going to throw the biggest wrench in this plan?
First of all, Gus, Congrats on surviving 5 years of this nonsense! You have emerged a veteran of the Coloured Pen Ink War. Your prize is a lifetime of PTSD counselling!
So, does it have to be one of the other characters on the list? Because Gus is the type of boy Vriska really likes! ...to throw off cliffs. Is it allowed in the rules for me to tell you about the time Shawn decided to court Equius *for the lulz*, and arranged a double prom date with Equius and Vriska, and then Shawn arrived for prom in a sexy horse costume and was not allowed entry -- meaning Gus had to deal with Vriska *on his own* -- and later Shawn got in the news telling off the school administration for discriminating against Alternian cultural practices?
(In this high school AU, Shawn Spencer has to work *really hard* to keep his position as Best Troll.)
But the thing about Burton Guster, is that even in this surreal adolescent AU nightmare (And... wow. In this timeline, Gus is going to be *so much more annoyed* with his parents when he finds out he actually did get accepted into a School for Gifted Students, but his parents just *didn't want to drive him*.) Gus is still the sort of student to get voted "Most Likely To Succeed" for the year book.
(Do we want to get into the multiple *campaigns* for "Most Likely To Succeed In Taking Over The Earth"? I suspect the Year Book Committee removed that joke category when it began to look like the race would be decided in a gladiatorial fashion. Also, was more suggestive of foreshadowing than anyone was comfortable with.)
Anyway, Gus was expecting to go to college, and we know that in Another Universe he would have eventually made a life for himself as a pharmaceutical rep/partner in a fake psychic buisness. But when the kid Most Likely To Succeed is attending a school under the watchful eye of Amanda Waller... let's just say there are new options. ("The name is Guster. Burton Guster." "Amazing! I didn't know it was possible to wear a tux with three hundred thousand dollars of laser weapons built in, and still be a dork!" "Shut up, Shawn. You are *my* sidekick in this AU!")
And she'd even give him advance credit for Maintaining Acceptable Survival Rates While Co-Existing With Sociopathic Carnivorous Aliens 101.
...You know, I normally am uninterested in high school AUs, but this one was basically invented to contain an entire meme's worth of wacky shit. (It helps that so many of those attending are teenagers anyway.) I bet the students who aren't aliens or Time Lords or angels or survivors of sburb or superheroes or whatever have their own twitter hash tag, and it is so full of ridiculous.
Amanda Waller and Cassandra Cain move to Sesame Street. Discuss.
<3 <3 <3
Oh wait do I need more?
<3 <3 <3 <3
This is an excellent place for Cass go to reinvent herself. Everyone acts so kind and friendly and supportive, and according to their body language, it's because they really *are* that kind and friendly and supportive. She participates in many examples of important life lessons for its various denizens, and even learns some herself! Not much of a singing voice, though, but no one cares.
She fills in a couple times for one of the various fairies hanging around the place, and many hijinks are had. If I knew more about the details of Sesame Street, I would tell you more, but alas. I do know one of the fairies looks like Cristina Yang, although she is not actually the heart surgery fairy, because Sesame Street is not meant to be baby's first horror show.
Amanda is much more irritated living here, because the world isn't *really* ever so uncomplicated. Plus, its narrative physics keeps trying to drag her into morality plays and... no. But no one ever thinks to look for her on Sesame Street! And if they did, well. She has made sure the place is *protected*.
Just because no real place could get away with being so *happy*, doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate the *ideal* of it. She is working towards a Better World, after all.
Karkat Vantas, a BNF in a fandom of your choice, gets involved with a flamewar with one or more of the other characters. Who and why?
AHAHAHAHA!
IS THIS CANON? THIS IS A THING THAT SOUNDS LIKE CANON.
Karkat is a BNF solely because he is so damn wanky. Encyclopedia Dramatica had to split up his page. He gets involved in flamewars with EVERYONE. For really stupid reasons! In more important debates he sometimes makes good points, but no one ever listens to him because he is an asshole. And also because he says *really weird things* if anyone brings up race or gender. He's not learned up on our wacky human stereotypes.
Also, he is the *worst* at ableism discussions. Just. No. I don't even want to go there. There are countless variations on "Stop being a troll!" "RIGHT AFTER YOU STOP BEING A MONKEY WITH USELESS NUBBY TEETH" floating around the interwebs.
He *doesn't* get in flamewars with John, but it isn't because he's not trying.
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HEY ASSHOLE. SCHOOLFEED YOURSELF ON WHAT THE NEW PARAGRAPH KEY IS FOR.
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uh... that's not a real key.
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MAYBE NOT ON YOUR SHITTY EARTH KEYBOARD. BUT WATCH THIS.
WOW.
FUCKING MIRACLES.
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hey! does this mean you read my fic? did you like it?
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WHY IS TALKING TO YOU ALWAYS LIKE BANGING MY HEAD REPEATEDLY AGAINST A ROCK WALL. LOOKING AT YOUR GIANT BLOCK OF WORDS CRAMMED UP EACH OTHER'S ASSES LIKE HUNGRY WIGGLERS MAKES ME WANT TO FIND YOUR CREEPY STEP-SISTER SO SHE CAN STAB HER POINTY STICKS INTO MY EYEBALLS.
AND THROUGH THE BLOOD AND THE TEARS AND THE ALIEN EYE GOOP SLIDING DOWN MY FACE I WILL BE THANKING GOD THAT I WILL NEVER SEE ANYTHING SO FUCKING AWFUL AGAIN.
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hmm... i don't know. maybe for my next story i'll try to put some white lines in?
anyway, you should read it! i was pretty sad when penny died, so this time i made captain hammer save her.
and i even made up a new song! the lyrics are the part in italics. do you think i should add the piano chords in a comment or something?
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OH MY GOD. YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT OF EVERYTHING SO BADLY.
IT WAS A CAUTIONARY TALE ABOUT COVETING YOUR KISMESIS' MATESPRIT. OF COURSE IN THE END BILLY LOSES BOTH CAPTAIN HAMMER AND PENNY. THAT'S HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE A HAPPY ENDING.
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lol. you like happy endings though!
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DOCTOR HORRIBLE'S SING ALONG BLOG IS THE GREATEST WORK OF TRAGIC ART YOUR SPECIES HAS EVER MANAGED TO ACCIDENTALLY VOMIT ONTO YOUR PRIMITIVE INFORMATION NETWORK, AND YOU ARE RUINING IT WITH YOUR SHITTY FIC. JUST LIKE YOU RUIN EVERYTHING.
STOP BEING SO FUCKING RETARDED RIGHT NOW, THAT'S AN ORDER FROM SOMEONE INFINITELY BETTER THAN YOU.
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hahaha! you can't give me orders, karkat.
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Gentlemen. And by "Gentlemen" I am, of course, addressing a singular individual in this comment thread who I have told repeatedly to stop using ableist slurs in areas I frequent, unless he would prefer I take the matter of an enjoyable fandom experience into my own hands.
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FUCK YOU LALONDE, YOU CAN'T BAN ME FROM ANYTHING AND YOU KNOW IT.
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It was never my intent to resort to less than drastic measures.
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...rose? did you explode his computer again? you know he's just going to come over here and use mine.
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If that proves to be inevitable, perhaps you should take the opportunity to serenade him with a live performance of "How Do I Live Without You, Captain Hammer, When You Are So Strong And Handsome And Good At Saving Me From Supervillains." It seems like an oversight on the part of the universe that I've heard it several dozen times this week, while Karkat Vantas has remained ignorant of the full scope of your musical talent.
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i know you're being sarcastic, but that's still a great idea and i'm totally going to! thanks, rose!
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This failed flamewar is dedicated to
brownbetty, for reasons she can probably guess.angel_gidget asked:A spankbot and Lois Lane are trapped in a freezing room with one blanket. Do they cuddle for body heat or would they rather freeze?
HEY! This meme is suddenly the canon generator!
I'm not sure how much heat a spankbot generates, but I know that at least Lois' *ass* will be kept warm!
Jaime Reyes and Burton Guster go into the same community service program. How does that work out for them?
I feel like I answered this one already. The community service program is obviously helping the Green Lanterns apprehend the Doctor. Jaime and Gus do get along excellently, but they are outmatched by their mission parameters. The Green Lanterns are dicks.
I think they keep in touch after, though. Those are two dudes destined to get along!
Karkat Vantas and John Egbert walk into a bar...
...and are immediately sent back out again, because no matter how good your fake id is, when you are 13 you are 13.
Seriously guys, why did you think that would be a good choice of activity?
Jean-Luc Picard is charged with setting up the Doctor on a date with another number. Who do they pick?
Aziraphale! It just seems like they'd have the most in common, being off-normal time travelling extremely old British dudes! It's possible they even arrived together.
I wonder if this is before or after the body swapping shenanigans. Probably after - would explain what the Doctor is doing in the 24th century! And as we know, explaining the setups to random wacky questions is the most essential part of this game!
(No, it's not. *cries* Why do I do it so wrong? No one needs so many words.)
Aziraphale and the Doctor get along, as previously stated, to the buddy cop standard, but I'm unconvinced their date goes anywhere very romantic. Aziraphale is an asexual being unless he specifically makes a point of it to be otherwise, and he's not dangerous enough - okay, that's a lie, he's plenty dangerous, but he doesn't tease it for flirting purposes - to be the Doctor's usual type. (Nor is he young, female, or human, the Doctor's other apparent type.)
The end!
*stares at word count for this* So then why do I always struggle to finish my Yuletide stories? It makes no sense.
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