A hero's best archenemies are a study in opposites. That's why Clark fights *Brainiac*.

I've been watching Smallville on and off the last couple weeks. And by "on and off" I mean in bits of five minutes.

*on!* WTF??!
*off!* ...but maybe it will recover?
*on!* o.O

See, the thing I was having trouble wrapping my brain around was the sheer magnitude of the dumbness that belongs to Clark Kent. OMG, he is SO DUMB, I HAD FORGOTTEN.

Here is a scene you may recognize if you've seen three minutes of Smallville ever:

There's somebody in the scene with Clark, probably Chloe or Lois or Lex or Kara. Or maybe Jimmy Olsen. Or a random guest star, I don't think it matters is my point.
*Something Not Very Subtle happens*
Somebody: OMG! Do you KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS??
Clark: Um?
Somebody: *explains, trailing off to dot dot dot at the ominous part*
Clark: *stares in blank confusion*
Somebody: .... *fills in the dot dot dot, using little words*
Clark: *stares in blank confusion*

The first couple times it played out I was staring at the screen in horror. What was I supposed to get from this exchange, that Clark had been hit on the head too many times by the bad guy of the week? That the show had an extra five minutes to fill up? That they are paying subtle homage to certain brilliant children's cartoons?

"Blueprints for Lex Luthor's Earth-destroying robots! Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Clark?"
"I think so, Chloe! But... I always *can* tell that they've secretly replaced the fine coffee I usually drink with Folgers Crystals!"

But then I realized that the problem was just that I was working from the wrong mental model. I'd tuned in expecting some sort of superhero drama, when really I was watching a comedy. It's a parody about these characters who've been sucked into the orbit of Our Hero Who Has An Important Destiny Trust Us... only Our Hero has the brains of a guinea pig and the characters spend most of their time making sure he doesn't walk around with his underwear on the outside of his pants or something.

Clark is like Buffy, but a really really stupid Buffy who can't tell which is the pointy end of the stick and is afraid of the dark and sometimes attacks the elementary school's softball umpire because it is hard to understand Giles through the funny accent. He *tries*, okay? And it's not like there's another Chosen One stepping up, you know? Not one with their own show, anyway.

This week, and I'm sorry if this is a spoiler, but this week Clark has Chloe taken away for a few minutes and he has to think about Something Not Very Subtle that happens *all by himself*. He tries *so hard*, you guys. It's hilarious. He can't quite manage to do it in his head, so he ends up talking aloud like a five year old who isn't weened from counting on his fingers. People are nervous about the huge, confused-looking guy who is muttering nonsense to himself, but they just do not appreciate what a huge step he is taking here!

That's okay, Clark, I do. Congratulations. Or, no, I'm sorry, that's a big one. *Yay*, Clark.

Yay for *you*.
 

Evil Overlord To Do List

Okay, I am sort of canon-ed out. If you are a comics reader, you probably know why.

SO!

If you had absolute control over the comics/whatever media company of your choice, what demands would you impose? Be as silly and specific and self-serving as you really would be, don't lie, you know you would. (I fully expect that you'll hammer out the socially irresponsible messages first thing but, you know, Day 2.)

My things! (And yes, you can assume I've taken over DC Comics, here.)

 
1. Zombies Attack Colu, the limited issue miniseries.

I do not even have words for how absolutely *tragic* it is that zombies were allowed to play themselves out without even a measly 80 page giant where a planet full of self-important green super-geniuses run screaming from a staggering horde of undead hungry for BRAAAAIIIIINNNNNNSSSSS!!!!! You guys it would have been beautiful.

 
2. Suicide Squad and LEGION With Dots get brought back for guaranteed runs, under the understanding that their *real* purpose is to record the cranky and largely off-panel romance love affair relationship between Amanda Waller and Vril Dox II. Fandom can post on scans_daily about how it is just now noticing they are obviously MTB; meanwhile I get to sit in my giant leather office chair and go EEEEEE! a lot.

 
3. Krypton society retroactively shifts to a naming system that is maybe slightly more complicated, but at least is not based on out-of-date sexism. (I know this breaks the silliness rule, but it is something editorially tiny I'd seriously like to see changed. Or have it be acknowledged that Krypton was not the egalitarian society that exists in Superman's head, which can be interesting also but changes with whoever is writing the backstory this issue anyway.)

 
4. Amanda Connor is tasked with drawing a Power Girl series.

OH WAIT.

I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE ANOTHER #4 THOUGH I'VE HAD THIS LIST A WHILE.

 
5. Swimsuit Crisis, for which half the blame goes to caia_comica.

In which NOTHING is CHANGED FOREVER! And everyone remains the SAME AMOUNT of ALIVE OR DEAD! Drama ensues when Hal Jordan has TOO MANY MARGARITAS and forgets he's meant to be willing into existence a BATHING SUIT! Possibly the earth is getting destroyed in one of the tie-ins, but never mind because Aquaman is giving out DOLPHIN RIDES!

 

I could go on, but I shall not! What would YOU do?

Evil Overlord To Do List

Okay, I am sort of canon-ed out. If you are a comics reader, you probably know why.

SO!

If you had absolute control over the comic/whatever media company of your choice, what demands would you impose? Be as silly and specific and self-serving as you really would be, don't lie, you know you would. (I fully expect that you'll hammer out the socially irresponsible messages first thing but, you know, Day 2.)

My things! (And yes, you can assume I've taken over DC Comics, here.)

 
1. Zombies Attack Colu, the limited issue miniseries.

I do not even have words for how absolutely *tragic* it is that zombies were allowed to play themselves out without even a measly 80 page giant where a planet full of self-important green super-geniuses run screaming from a staggering horde of undead hungry for BRAAAAIIIIINNNNNNSSSSS!!!!! You guys it would have been beautiful.

 
2. Suicide Squad and LEGION With Dots get brought back for guaranteed runs, under the understanding that their *real* purpose is to record the cranky and largely off-panel romance love affair relationship between Amanda Waller and Vril Dox II. Fandom can post on scans_daily about how it is just now noticing they are obviously MTB; meanwhile I get to sit in my giant leather office chair and go EEEEEE! a lot.

 
3. Krypton society retroactively shifts to a naming system that is maybe slightly more complicated, but at least is not based on out-of-date sexism. (I know this breaks the silliness rule, but it is something editorially tiny I'd seriously like to see changed. Or have it be acknowledged that Krypton was not the egalitarian society that exists in Superman's head, which can be interesting also but changes with whoever is writing the backstory this issue anyway.)

 
4. Amanda Connor is tasked with drawing a Power Girl series.

OH WAIT.

I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE ANOTHER #4 THOUGH I'VE HAD THIS LIST A WHILE.

 
5. Swimsuit Crisis, for which half the blame goes to caia_comica.

In which NOTHING is CHANGED FOREVER! And everyone remains the SAME AMOUNT of ALIVE OR DEAD! Drama ensues when Hal Jordan has TOO MANY MARGARITAS and forgets he's meant to be willing into existence a BATHING SUIT! Possibly the earth is getting destroyed in one of the tie-ins, but never mind because Aquaman is giving out DOLPHIN RIDES!

 

I could go on, but I shall not! What would YOU do?

(no subject)

I... kind of want to be Iron Man now.

...The hidden scene, though, was not worth the wait.

(no subject)

I... kind of want to be Iron Man now.

...The hidden scene, though, was not worth the wait.