answers!

[odditycollector]

I was lazy and (mostly) reused an old character list this time.

Characters:
1 Burton Guster
2 10th Doctor
3 Amanda Waller
4 The Middleman
5 Sarah Connor
6 Kara Zor-El
7 Sarah Jane Smith
8 Alan Scott
9 Veronica Palmer
10 Lyle Norg
11 Starbuck
12 SARAH
13 a spankbot
14 Jack Harkness
15 Cassandra Cain

Questions:
happydork: Amanda Waller, The Middleman, and Sarah Connor have a threesome. Which of the others watches?

Well! I guess we all knew it was going to happen sooner or later!

As for watchers: SARAH keeps her video feeds on - it is the default setting! Jack Harkness reserved his ticket when they first started making eyes at each other. Gus walks in and runs out jibbering. Cass thinks they're having a vastly interesting conversation. And Veronica Palmer offers helpful advice!

 
thefourthvine: Alan Scott, Veronica Palmer, and Lyle Norg are left in charge of a small child. Who copes efficiently? Who wants to chuck the baby out of a window?

Veronica has an issue with the way you've framed this question. What if chucking the baby out a window *is* the most efficient way to cope with the situation? You should try thinking more out of the window-box. Alan, otoh, is totally capable of taking care of a kid! TOTALLY! I mean, okay, maybe he hasn't had much practise, and don't think there aren't some guilt issues there. And, yeah, maybe he secretly feels bad he *doesn't* feel very bad about missing his kids' really, really early years, because he *knows* he should shake off the out-dated instinct that Real Men Don't Change Diapers...

You know what, Lyle? I think you'd better take this one.

 
thefourthvine: Gus and Starbuck bodyswap across universes - Gus into Starbuck's body and world, Starbuck into Gus'. How do they cope? Do they get back? If so, how?
Ahahaha. Oh man. Okay. Oh *man*.

Shawn gets punched in the face! Because SOMEONE has to. And then laid, because, well, wouldn't you be curious? And then Juliet gets laid! And then Kara flirts a bit with Shawn's dad and EVERYONE'S BRAIN MELTS.

Gus finds himself suddenly on a spaceship! Weird, but kind of amazing! But wait, what are those attached to him? Are they BOOBS?? I am envisioning a choked noise followed by a hilarious dance-like routine where he very gentlemanly attempts to move himself as far from the boobs as possible. Turns out? Not very far.

Pretty quickly he ends up in sickbay babbling to Dr Cottle about how he was on Earth and maybe Shawn has finally made him crazy and he doesn't know anything about killer robots and what happens when he *has to go to the bathroom*? And Cottle really starts to believe it isn't Kara in there, because why not, he's seen some crazy shit. Whether Adama believes it or not he never actually makes clear, but he asks Gus a lot of questions about Earth. Gus tells him lots, none of it any use at all.

And they get back... Because. It was part of the Plan. Look, it doesn't really matter *how* or *why*, does it? As long as you enjoyed the answer up until now?

 
thefourthvine: Amanda Waller and Cassandra Cain get stuck in the past. What era? How do they function? Do they end up living happily ever before?

Sometime with pirates, because it turns out Amanda Waller taking over a pirate ship is what I want out of life! Cass is her first mate, although later historians argue over her reality; according to legend, Captain Waller commanded the night winds themselves. They gathered at her side for only moments at a time, taking the shape of a girl with Oriental affect. In other stories, Pirate Queen Ching learned her trade at Waller's side. (The timeline is wrong, but it's a good story, so no one cares. Still, why *can't* there be more than one Asian woman of the high seas?)

Amanda targets slaver ships almost exclusively, which makes it politically awkward for Britain to go after her *too* hard. And anyway, they keep losing ships. She and her crew almost single handedly shut down the slave trade to the New World, which results in a very different North America than the one we're used to. After, she settles Stateside and works on building a political power stronghold large enough to push the country forward. And it is hard. She is still the wrong gender and colour, and metas are difficult to dig up just yet. But what does Amanda ever need except knowledge and a few good people willing to die for her?

And the stories they tell about Amanda Waller... Oh, she is frightening in any time, but they cast her tactical (and mechanical and predictive and medical) genius as unnatural. "The devil is in her", people say, but soon enough, in historical counting, if a woman is obstinate you hear dark mutters that she's "a Wall". (Usage survives to current day, but most people assumes it has to do with a woman not being emotional enough.) There are a few poems and essays written about the author's fear of women running amok, but those were going to happen anyway.

Amanda and her team accomplish great, important things (although the carving of a fat black woman battling space-people is probably silliness, historians agree), but she remains a villain of editorial cartoons and stageplays. At least attempts to portray her as a comedic evil ring false? There have been recentish attempts to turn her into a feminist hero, but those tend to swing too far either as portraying her as an amoral bastardess, gunning down people who would do so much as insult her, or as someone weeping in a corner as soon as the lens of history is away, crying for a lost love/child/reputation. It is pretty well documented Amanda is not a very nice person, and it is hard to make a hero of her without revelling in either her nastiness or the nastiness of the world to her. And then there was a movie where she's a frustrated mad scientist which, please. She had *people* for that*. (Although consensus is that the leap forward in scientific thinking at around the same time she lived was just coincidence. The American Experiment:pretty dang successful!) And were she and Probably Not Pirate Queen Ching lovers? There are a lot of people who hope so!

All Amanda Waller movies have the same ending, though. It's the last question to the last interview she gave before vanishing, *presumably* to die (Amanda Waller and Elvis Presley, my friends). Paraphrased, doesn't it bother her what history will make of her? But Amanda just laughed in answer, a sharp old woman's laugh, though even the interviewer didn't dare describe it as a cackle.

*It was curious, for the woman had little apparent interest in the Healing Arts, and yet often Waller would demand that my Physicians produce for her a poultice or solution of which type I was entirely unfamiliar, despite my Worldly Travels. This new Medicine would inevitably prove to have a Miraculous Outcome. It is obvious to this man that Amanda Waller hopes to Improve our nation via her efforts towards the Steam Engine Line and the Integration of Coloured Peoples, yet surely her greatest contribution to Human Peoples will be the Animalcule Retardant Ointments or the Family of Vakcines, which have at this early moment preserved scores of Lives.

A late Colleague became distraught on receiving news of the efficacy of our Vakcine for Smallpox and had to be retired from my Projects. He was convinced Waller had Bargained her soul to Satan for those secrets, and refused to work in conjunction with such Wiles.

Perhaps this is so. But having known the woman in Question, who I do not believe will be affronted on reading this remark more than is her Nature, we have received the better part of the Bargain.
-Joseph Latham, Things I Have Seen

 
thefourthvine: Oh! And! Sarah Jane Smith writes a book - what is it? Is it published? Does it become a bestseller? Would you read it?

It's a kids book, and it's about how you'll meet many interesting people who may be very different than you, but that's what makes the universe such an exciting place, isn't it? Clyde does the pictures! It sells reasonably well, for that sort of thing, but after few months a concerned parents' group comes across it and decides the moral is about accepting gay people and is thus BAD. (Alternatively, British Asians, but it's not like they can *say* that...) They try to get it banned from schools! And honestly, the book wasn't even in very many schools at that point, but the fuss is written up in the Guardian and the Daily Mail (although they reach different conclusions) and Neil Gaiman twitters briefly about it and Alan Moore makes a statement, because he respects Sarah Jane even if she is always shutting down his rituals before anything *really* interesting happens, and BoingBoing posts a summary and... there are worse advertising campaigns, you know?

I would read the handful of scanned pages someone posted a link to. I might pull it off the shelf to glance through if it occurs to me when I'm at the bookstore next, but I'm not really in the market for elementary school reading material. *shrugs* I will support team Sarah Jane via sarcastic journal comments!
 

caiusmajor: If Amanda Waller and Sarah Jane Smith are playing tennis against Alan Scott and Cassandra Cain, and then a spankbot, Veronica, and the Doctor attack, who wins?

So this is Checkmate Open House Day, is it? Come in, meet the Royals! Enjoy refreshments, games, and the opportunity to scope out the lack of evil shenanigans at the 100% totally our actual headquarters!

The Doctor has obviously heard rumour of evil shenanigans which he must stop at all costs! He brings with him his sonic screwdriver, a plucky girl sidekick, and the robot she was looking at in Veridian Dynamics' R&D lab when the TARDIS materialized there. Veronica was trying to determine via staring with different facial expressions what had Ted's team *so* enthused about it they all stood up through the entire meeting.

The Doctor does not do too much attacking, though, as he is way out of his power-class. And, okay, that has never stopped him before, but this time around someone notices his flier is ripped as he's coming up to the gateway and gives him a new flier. "Oh, *lack* of evil shenanigans. That's all right, then."

And the team with Cass on it wins, obv. By all of the points there are.
 

caiusmajor: How would Gus prevent Cass from robbing Sarah Connor's bank?
...Poorly.

Okay, so obviously Shawn has conned the bank staff into thinking he and Gus are security guards so they can stay overnight in the bank and look for clues to a robbery. Alas, they are really, really terrible security guards, although Gus resists Shawn's wandering off for a dutiful 30 seconds or so. They'd never even *see* Cass was there.

It's too bad, because I'd like to see Shawn and Cass interact. Cass was taught body language as a first language from birth, and Shawn was taught it as a *second* language from childhood, but there'd be a lot of staring silently at each other followed by dissolving into laughter.

Gus: What?! What?!
Shawn: Dude, she was just telling me about this one time, when her step-father, no-- *looks back at Cass* --foster father tried to cook waffles for breakfast--
Cass: *nods vigorously with a huge grin*
Gus: No. No I don't believe this. You're not *actually* psychic, Shawn.
Shawn: *looks silently at Cass*
Cass: *points at Gus, dissolves into giggles*
Gus: What?! What did you tell her?!

 
caiusmajor: Lyle Norg is having a dinner party. How does Lyle arrange him/her self, along with the Middleman, Starbuck, Kara, SARAH, and Veronica Palmer, at the table? What do they eat, what do they talk about, and do they know which fork to use?

I am not sure why Lyle would do such a thing. Obviously this is cover for *something*? Maybe they are on a very exclusive space!restaurant, where each party gets their own private dinner party room. Lyle has information something shady is gonna go down on board, and he wants to be there. The Middleman and Supergirl could be useful in this situation, as well as being protective camouflage, and SARAH could be patched into the video feeds, and, uh, Starbuck is, uh.... Frak. Are they after *Cylons*?

Veronica Palmer wasn't invited, but she wandered by and saw they were serving human-ish food and sat down at the table. Also she and the Middleman are probably acquainted (although Legal believes no one can rule out the possibility that giant carnivorous glow-in-the-dark-jelly beans are native to the Blenz across the street from Veridian R&D. It which case the Middleman shouldn't have removed them from their habitat. Shame on him, is the official statement.)

In other events, the Veridian Throwing People Into The Future At An Accelerated Rate Machine works really well! Or possibly disintegrates people. It's not hard to tell which, technically, but you have to make your observations from the future where the person ended up, and that involves a lot of waiting. Unless one of the scientists wants to grab a logbook and strap themselves into the machine and follow the subject?

No, no they really don't.

 
foolsguinea: Amanda Waller tells Kara to drop dead. How do the Tenth Doctor & Starbuck feel?

Kara, are you meddling in Amanda's affairs? You *know* she doesn't make idle threats. The Tenth Doctor tells Amanda it wasn't called for, but Starbuck thinks it really might have been. And katarik is sad.
 

count_fenring:
The Tenth Doctor, Sarah Jane Smith, and Veronica Palmer have a polygamous marriage contract - they do, meme? I will take your word for it. (Though a conversation between the Doctor and Veronica would be amazing.) - Amanda Waller covets both Sarah Jane Smith and Veronica Palmer - okay, but I'm not sure she would *do* anything about it, if it's just *personal*... - Amanda Waller hires Jack Harkness to take the Tenth Doctor out of the picture - OTOH, she probably could convince herself the Doctor needs to get the hell off her planet pretty easily - by any means necessary - AHAHAHA. WHAT MEANS DO YOU HAVE AT YOUR DISPOSAL, CAPTAIN JACK? Oh Amanda, your thought processes are amazing.

Anyway, I bet Torchwood and Amanda's groups have about as great a working relationship as two extra-legal gov't agencies working for d/nt world powers can hope for! Also flirting! Someone needs to write that team up.
 

katarik: The Middleman, Veronica Palmer, and a spankbot. run away to join the circus. How does that go for them?

I.... okay. They might be able to pull this off, actually. The Middleman can be the knife thrower, and when the Ringmaster vanishes in mysterious circumstances he fills in until they rescue her - he does a pretty good job, but Veronica complains *she* wanted to wear the top hat. We are fairly sure she didn't arrange for the Ringmaster to disappear, though!

Veronica is a dancer on top of an elephant! And if you are missing your sequins, she probably has them. Who knew you could fit so many on such a small amount of dress? The spankbot is a clown. It mostly goes after other clowns, and everyone's pretty careful not to let it near the audience for obvious reasons.

Of course, the spankbot has lots of Superman's powers, which is handy when stuff happens like lions escaping or the tent catching on fire. The audience thinks it is all part of the show, and it's totally worth the admission to see a clown spank a lion. (Maybe they need a new lion tamer? Veronica volunteers to fire the last one, as the one thing she really misses from her old job is firing people. Also, she'd make a great replacement lion tamer, she will have you know. Everyone in the circus doubles up on duties as much as possible anyway.)
 

katarik: Meanwhile, back at the ranch, SARAH, Cass and Starbuck wake up unable to speak in anything but cliches. Who says what? Who loses their tempers at being so constrained first?

I guess this is the morning after that threesome from the last question meme! Something wacky happened in the small town of Eureka, I am shocked.

Speaking isn't Cass' first language, and Starbuck probably didn't grow up with too many Earth cliches 'cept by coincidence, and SARAH doesn't see anything odd either, as her word choice is dependant on algorithms. So they are having a pleasant breakfast together before Starbuck heads back to her ship and, yeah, Starbuck is getting a bit tense, as she is noticing the words coming out of her mouth are not necessarily the ones she was expecting.

But then someone turns off the cliche field and Starbuck just writes it off to a weird morning. And too soon it is time to kiss Cass goodbye.

Comments

[caiusmajor]

...okay, Amanda and Cass as Pirates is deeply, deeply awesome. They can rewrite my history any time!

[odditycollector]

They have transferable skills!

Although when I thought about the timeline things got awkward rather fast. As you can probably tell.

[katarik]

Lots of things really amuse me, especially the Amanda/Kara one and the Cass&Shawn one, but OH MY LORD AMANDA AND CASS AS PIRATES YES YES YES YES YES.

[odditycollector]

Pirates of the Caribbean: VERY DIFFERENT MOVIE.

[katarik]

I AM A-OKAY WITH THAT, SO HARD.

[count-fenring.livejournal.com]

Wow. Amazing.

Also, I'm amused that, even with memetic randomness added, Sarah Jane and the Doctor end up together.

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

Maybe the Doctor altered time and space a little to make sure? It is his version of notes: do you like me Sarah Jane:y/n?

[count-fenring.livejournal.com]

P.S. I'm pretty sure a Green Lantern power ring (or Alan Scott's analogous powers) would negate everything bad about child-care. I mean, when you can change the diapers from across the room, they're way less of a problem.

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

You would think so... but I'm not sure it would occur to him that diapers were his job! Unless he really made a point of remembering, and then he would expect cookies or something.

OTOH, he would probably *get* cookies, so.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

I am all distracted by the concept of a Waller and Cain pirate AU. It is AWESOME, and I want a MILLION PAGES, and I am now PINING TRAGICALLY. But that is a good thing, because before that, my brain was attempting to imagine Gus and Starback swapping places, and - it was hard, okay? It was very hard. I think I sprained something. So I am just going to stay in the happy pirate place.

[odditycollector.livejournal.com]

I think I sprained something
That is only fair. You made *me* do it first.

I am a little surprised you're so familiar with Waller, tfv! She doesn't have a very large fic presence. (...Unless she DOES, and my finding skills just REALLY NEED WORK? OMG if this is so you have to TELL ME.)

[foolsguinea]

Just saw this, I think. Quite like the Pirate Wall.

[odditycollector]

Me too :)